The Durham DA’s Dirty Little Secret

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” didn’t want to discuss today’s topic at all. In fact, we previously made something of a pact with ourselves not to divulge what we’re about to divulge. Frankly, dear reader, it just hurt too darn much.

But we simply have to break our silence—as difficult as it is for us to do so. Sure, it’s painful, but we think that the world needs to hear what we’re going to say. Or at least North America.

So, what is our big secret? Well, many of you have heard of Mike Nifong, the District Attorney for Durham County (NC), who became somewhat infamous for his mishandling of the Duke lacrosse non-rape case. If so, you’re going to want to sit down whilst you read the rest of today’s “post.”

Gosh, this is hard to admit. A real tough one. But here goes: You see, dear reader, Mike Nifong raped us.

It was at a party about a year or so back. Either one, two, three, or fourteen Mike Nifongs came up to us, assaulted us, and then brutally raped us. Yeah, that’s right: Every last member of the crack young staff. All 250 or so of us.

Well, okay: Maybe he didn’t exactly rape us. No, no—we take that back; we’re sure that he did. In fact, we’re certain that he had a moustache at the time. And, difficult as it may be to believe, he answered to the name “Adrian Zmed.”

We know what you’re going to say, dear reader: I don’t believe the crack young staff. Not one word. Of course you don’t: We’ll bet that you also don’t know what a social disaster looks like. Kim Curtis could sure teach you a thing or two about a thing or two.

And we can prove that Mike Nifong was our assailant. In fact, if you line up a number of Mike Nifongs in a row, tell us that each one is Mike Nifong, we’re willing to bet that we could pick Mike Nifong out of a crowd.

In addition, we have absolutely no DNA evidence to help our case. But, heck, who needs that stuff? Certainly not the great legal mind of Nancy Grace.

Naturally, dear reader, we’re soon going to bring Mike Nifong to court. Although many people consider our case flimsy and dubious, we have the hunch that it’ll wind up lasting over a year, and ensure that Mike Nifong’s good name is dragged in the mud.

Sure, it’s not so pleasant. But it seems as if Mr. Nifong doesn’t mind ruining other people’s lives.