January 24, 2007
The State of the State of the Union
Last night, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of The Hatemongers Quarterly, watched the entire State of the Union address. It wasnt easy: We were compelled to miss all sorts of boob-tube re-runs and infomercials in order to focus on the Presidents speech. Yet, unlike probably every other American in these here United States, we toughed it out. Call us responsible citizens, if you must.
Naturally, however, we drew the line at the Democratic response. Although, like all sentient beings, we find Senator Jim Webbs angry robot impression warm and charming, we simply couldnt hack listening to his rebuttal. Perhaps its just us, but when a contemporary politician invokes Alexander Hamilton, we immediately begin to zone out.
Nor, it seems, were we the only ones zoning. From what we could gather from the routine camera shots of the bigwigs in attendance at the ole State of the Union, plenty of our elected officials are actually deceased.
Maybe its too much to ask, but we kind of thought that senators and congressmen should stay awake during the oration. You know: Its kind of important and all. Especially since congressmen work around 12 hours a year, we figured that theyd at least pay attention on this occasion.
It appeared as if Hillary Clinton agreed with us: She looked as if she had just chugged a pot of coffee, for crying out loud. But her media-created arch-rival, Barack Obama, could have used a shot of No-Doze.
And lets not even mention Ted Kennedy. Was he doing a crossword puzzle or something? When the camera panned to him, he seemed to be pondering a five-letter word for boredom.
Perhaps it makes us seem petty, but we must admit that our favorite part of this years State of the Union was taking in Nancy Pelosis reaction to the speech. We simply savor Nancy Pelosi, who makes a tin-eared politician seem like a flawlessly smooth professional.
In fact, we couldnt help but notice Ms. Pelosis complete lack of comfort. Especially as the President touched upon matters of foreign policy, Congresswoman Pelosi looked as uncomfortable as Tom Cruise with a woman. She didnt know when to clap; she didnt know when to stand; she didnt know what to do at all.
Ah, if only the President had expatiated upon the clear Constitutional right to partial birth abortion! That would have compelled Ms. Pelosi to cheer, as would any Catholic grandmother.
