January 24, 2007

The State of the State of the Union

Last night, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of ďThe Hatemongerís Quarterly,Ē watched the entire State of the Union address. It wasnít easy: We were compelled to miss all sorts of boob-tube re-runs and infomercials in order to focus on the Presidentís speech. Yet, unlike probably every other American in these here United States, we toughed it out. Call us responsible citizens, if you must.

Naturally, however, we drew the line at the Democratic response. Although, like all sentient beings, we find Senator Jim Webbís angry robot impression warm and charming, we simply couldnít hack listening to his rebuttal. Perhaps itís just us, but when a contemporary politician invokes Alexander Hamilton, we immediately begin to zone out.

Nor, it seems, were we the only ones zoning. From what we could gather from the routine camera shots of the bigwigs in attendance at the oleí State of the Union, plenty of our elected officials are actually deceased.

Maybe itís too much to ask, but we kind of thought that senators and congressmen should stay awake during the oration. You know: Itís kind of important and all. Especially since congressmen work around 12 hours a year, we figured that theyíd at least pay attention on this occasion.

It appeared as if Hillary Clinton agreed with us: She looked as if she had just chugged a pot of coffee, for crying out loud. But her media-created arch-rival, Barack Obama, could have used a shot of No-Doze.

And letís not even mention Ted Kennedy. Was he doing a crossword puzzle or something? When the camera panned to him, he seemed to be pondering a five-letter word for boredom.

Perhaps it makes us seem petty, but we must admit that our favorite part of this yearís State of the Union was taking in Nancy Pelosiís reaction to the speech. We simply savor Nancy Pelosi, who makes a tin-eared politician seem like a flawlessly smooth professional.

In fact, we couldnít help but notice Ms. Pelosiís complete lack of comfort. Especially as the President touched upon matters of foreign policy, Congresswoman Pelosi looked as uncomfortable as Tom Cruise with a woman. She didnít know when to clap; she didnít know when to stand; she didnít know what to do at all.

Ah, if only the President had expatiated upon the clear Constitutional right to partial birth abortion! That would have compelled Ms. Pelosi to cheer, as would any Catholic grandmother.

Posted at January 24, 2007 12:01 AM | TrackBack