Metaphorical Snakes on a Plane

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hate to grouse about airplane travel. After all, we have offered such complaints numerous times during the lifespan of this humble “weblog.” As such, it’s hardly new material. Furthermore, nitpicking at the airlines’ expense is fairly bland comedic fare.

In fact, pretty much the only thing lamer than airplane gags are toothless observations regarding the differences between men and women. You know, like: Boy, men sure don’t like to shop, even though women do. Wow, how insightful.

Still, we decided to risk sounding like a washed up comedian circa 1986 and discuss a recent frustrating example of the delights of air travel. One of the junior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—flew a few days ago to the beauteous city of Buffalo (NY). It was not, we daresay, amongst the most charming of travel experiences.

For good reason: Due to extremely windy conditions (undoubtedly caused by global warming—a.k.a. President Bush), the particular airplane in which “Chip” traveled was tossing and turning like the tiny ship on which Gilligan, the Skipper, and their crew sailed one fateful day. As a result, “Chip” felt as if his stomach just might fall out.

Ah, but it gets worse. Much, much worse.

Aboard this particular air vessel was a tired couple and their—we’d guess—two-year-old daughter. Much like everyone else on the aircraft, this little tot didn’t much care for the turbulence.

Unlike everyone else on the aircraft, however, as a result of the tossing and turning, this little tot screamed like a banshee for over an hour. And, dear reader, we mean incessant screaming. “Chip” wasn’t sure if this child was some sort of wunderkind, but she certainly had the lungpower of Pavarotti in his prime.

Now, what was the response of this couple to their kid’s odious racket? Funny you should ask. (Well, not that funny: We think we made you ask anyway.)

Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Whilst everyone—and we mean everyone—on board suffered, the kiddy’s folks tried the silent treatment. Just ignore her, they thought.

Well, well, well: Perhaps that might have been a reasonable supposition for, say, three minutes. But, after 27, any reasonable person could tell that you ought to move on to new methods of parenting.

To make matters worse, once the plane finally landed, the passengers had to come to grips with the worst realization: They were all currently in Buffalo.