A Super Bowl-Sized Pickle

Sports fans around the nation (and even some in such disreputable haunts as Canada) know that the much-ballyhooed Super Bowl will soon be upon us. Ah, yes: Expensive advertisements; wardrobe malfunctions; and a lopsided football game—what’s not to love?

Well, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have a lot not to love, quite frankly. Nearly all of the crack young staff are diehard New England Patriots fans. Sure, the Pats sport pretty lame USFL-like uniforms. But we think they’re super cool nonetheless. Especially that Troy Brown.

Now, a few of us support the Miami Dolphins—even though they’re an utterly embarrassing football team. Teal may look good on Dan Marino, but no man should admit it.

But here’s the quandary: Neither the Patriots nor the lame-o Miami Dolphins are in this year’s Super Bowl. In regard to the Dolphins, that ain’t exactly a surprise. Yet it’s also painfully true in regard to our beloved Patriots. As a result, dear reader, we don’t know which team to root for.

That may sound like a rather niggling problem, but we still find it quite vexing. The Indianapolis Colts or the Chicago Bears: Which team is less loathsome? We just can’t figure that out.

First, take the Indianapolis Colts. They’re from a pathetic, second-rate city, and even their name sounds stupid: Everyone knows it’s really the Baltimore Colts.

And then there’s the little manner of Peyton Manning. Yes, yes, yes: He’s talented. And he seems like he’s a pretty genial guy. But we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” firmly believe that he must be punished for his incessant television commercials. Stop with the obnoxious TV spots already! And lose that “Aw shucks” drawl while you’re at it. You’re beginning to get on our last nerve.

As much as the ridiculousness of the Indianapolis Colts inspires us to support the Chicago Bears, a moment’s reflection on the Bears will change our mind. Anyone who cares for the Patriots won’t forget their merciless 44-10 whuppin’ at the hands of the Bears in the 1986 Super Bowl. We sure haven’t forgotten about it, and we haven’t forgiven the Bears either.

Yet let us not forget the prime reason for detesting the Bears: In 1986, not only did the boys from Chicago destroy the Patriots, they also produced the most feculent music video in the history of mankind: “The Super Bowl Shuffle.” As in: “We’re not here to start no trouble, we’re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.”

Any team responsible for such cultural detritus deserves to lose every game in football history.