A Super Bowl-Sized Pickle

Sports fans around the nation (and even some in such disreputable haunts as Canada) know that the much-ballyhooed Super Bowl will soon be upon us. Ah, yes: Expensive advertisements; wardrobe malfunctions; and a lopsided football game�what�s not to love?

Well, we, the crack young staff of �The Hatemonger�s Quarterly,� have a lot not to love, quite frankly. Nearly all of the crack young staff are diehard New England Patriots fans. Sure, the Pats sport pretty lame USFL-like uniforms. But we think they�re super cool nonetheless. Especially that Troy Brown.

Now, a few of us support the Miami Dolphins�even though they�re an utterly embarrassing football team. Teal may look good on Dan Marino, but no man should admit it.

But here�s the quandary: Neither the Patriots nor the lame-o Miami Dolphins are in this year�s Super Bowl. In regard to the Dolphins, that ain�t exactly a surprise. Yet it�s also painfully true in regard to our beloved Patriots. As a result, dear reader, we don�t know which team to root for.

That may sound like a rather niggling problem, but we still find it quite vexing. The Indianapolis Colts or the Chicago Bears: Which team is less loathsome? We just can�t figure that out.

First, take the Indianapolis Colts. They�re from a pathetic, second-rate city, and even their name sounds stupid: Everyone knows it�s really the Baltimore Colts.

And then there�s the little manner of Peyton Manning. Yes, yes, yes: He�s talented. And he seems like he�s a pretty genial guy. But we, the crack young staff of �The Hatemonger�s Quarterly,� firmly believe that he must be punished for his incessant television commercials. Stop with the obnoxious TV spots already! And lose that �Aw shucks� drawl while you�re at it. You�re beginning to get on our last nerve.

As much as the ridiculousness of the Indianapolis Colts inspires us to support the Chicago Bears, a moment�s reflection on the Bears will change our mind. Anyone who cares for the Patriots won�t forget their merciless 44-10 whuppin� at the hands of the Bears in the 1986 Super Bowl. We sure haven�t forgotten about it, and we haven�t forgiven the Bears either.

Yet let us not forget the prime reason for detesting the Bears: In 1986, not only did the boys from Chicago destroy the Patriots, they also produced the most feculent music video in the history of mankind: �The Super Bowl Shuffle.� As in: �We�re not here to start no trouble, we�re just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.�

Any team responsible for such cultural detritus deserves to lose every game in football history.