A Slow Day for the Revolution

Al Gore’s Internet, an ingenious invention that, as some congressman opined, is made up of tubes, is revolutionizing everything. E-mail; on-line shopping; downloading; “weblogging”—these and kindred computerized novelties are changing the world as we know it. So say umpteen pundits and politicians. Apparently the world will never be the same.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are wont to believe those who see the World-Wide Web as ushering in a fundamental change in the world. As far as we’re concerned, thanks to the Internet revolution, in a few years Amazon.com and Starbucks will own everything. Boy, won’t that be great.

Those who see a Gutenberg-esque change coming from Al Gore’s World-Wide Web, however, must account for a few things that don’t quite fit with their thesis. First and foremost is the following: For all its revolutionary power, the Internet is utterly ineffectual in late December.

That’s right, dear reader: From around December 24 to January 1, this agent of transformation is about as powerful as a Nicole Ritchie bench press. During these dark days, suddenly the world turns its back on the World-Wide Web and its delights, preferring less technological comforts: Fighting with the family, &c.

We say this, dear reader, with oodles of experience of this strange happenstance. As one of Al Gore’s “webloggers” for well nigh three years, we have witnessed our share of the late December Internet downturn. For these few days, “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” is even less popular than it is typically. Hard to believe, isn’t it?

And this, of course, is striking, since this humble “weblog” isn’t exactly a haven for all and sundry. If we normally receive around three (3) “hits” a day, during lackluster late December, they drop to circa one (1) per diem. Congratulations, reader: You are quite possibly the only person on planet earth who is taking a gander at this “post.”

Naturally, this is an unfortunate state of affairs for we crack young staffers. For a few days at the end of each year, we have to get used to our “weblog’s” comparative obscurity. Whilst we normally have the ear of The New York Times, The Washington Post, and other vaguely legitimate news outfits, during this time we can’t even get The Outer Albany Daily Woodchuck. It’s sad, but it’s true.

But fear not: In a few short days we’ll return to full strength. Soon our e-minions will return for our savory brand of cheap yuks and lame gags. They just can’t stay away.