January 02, 2007

Our Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” 2007 Predictions

Round about this time of year, dear reader, numerous pundits and intellectuals present a list of predictions for the New Year. On the utterly fair and balanced Fox News, in the pages of Newsweek, and countless other deeply respectable organs of opinion that intermittently contain “cultural coverage” of rap stars, members of the smart set share their prognostications with the world.

Naturally, these same intellectuals have proven completely wrong about everything that happened during the past year, but for some reason that doesn’t hamper their pseudo-clairvoyance one bit. Thus we, the ordinary Joes and Janes who make up the American public, take in all manner of predictions, from the alarming (e.g., gossip columnists informing us that Paris Hilton will remain a slut this year) to the mundane (e.g., Al Gore telling us that, thanks to global warming, the world will end sometime in April).

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t want to be left out of this veritable sweepstakes of prognostication. After all, we possess the exact same qualifications for guessing the future as our public intellectuals. Which is to say, none at all.

Although we don’t have incredibly popular platforms with high production values such as C-Span from which to announce our predictions, surely our humble “weblog” can serve to get our words out to a few yokels. As such, without any further ado, dear reader, we are pleased as preening peacocks to present:

The Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” 2007 Predictions

As compiled by the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”

1) Hillary Clinton either will or will not decide to run for president. We’re pretty sure that one of these two options will come true. If she does run, our sixth sense is telling us that she will be amongst the frontrunners. Also, she’ll be among the Democratic contenders with the meatiest legs.

2) 2007 will prove a wonderful year for Durham County district attorney Mike Nifong. With all the good news constantly swarming around him, this pick was really a no-brainer.

3) Despite overwhelming evidence staring them in the face, neither Rosie O’Donnell nor Donald Trumps will recognize that they are self-important twits. This will amount to one of the most serious cases of self-denial since the publication Eric Hobsbawn’s biography, which still extols the glories of Communism.

4) Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson will compete in the country’s first “Breast-Off.”

5) Paul Begala will become even uglier. Even though this will be a near impossible task, the preternaturally unattractive Begala will magically grow more physically repellent. Thus he will wind up giving Alan Colmes a run for the money in the “Left-Wing Shill Who’s Hardest on the Eyes Award.”

6) In a stunning about-face, MoveOn.org will call for the impeachment of George W. Bush.

7) Vigorous and spirited attempts at a comeback notwithstanding, Adrian Zmed will remain lingering in obscurity, where he belongs.

Posted at January 2, 2007 12:01 AM | TrackBack