“Neutral Judges”

Take a gander at the following quotation: “We weren't involved in this event so we can be a neutral judge.” To what do you think it refers? Nancy Grace’s disgraceful hectoring of her guests? The ineluctably anti-Israel findings of James Baker’s feculent Iraq Study Group? The Hamburglar?

Good guesses, those. But they’re dead wrong. These words dribbled from the lips of Manouchehr Mohammadi, from Iran’s foreign ministry's research and education office. And, as the article from London’s Guardian from which they were culled makes clear, they refer to the Holocaust. Yep, you read that correctly—the Holocaust.

You see, dear reader, the loveable scamps from Iran have planned a spirited intellectual colloquy, to determine—reasonably enough—whether the Holocaust occurred. Boy, that’s a real brainteaser. Charming, isn’t it? Surely it’s one of the grandest scholarly events in Persian history—at least since the Shah was deposed.

And to think no foreigners yearn to study in prestigious Iranian universities! Maybe their meal plans are lacking?

Naturally, the mad mullahs of Iran thought that they’d prove impartial judges on the topic, since they obviously have no dog in this fight. At least we can’t think of one. As such, who wouldn’t believe Mr. Mohammadi when he claims: “Our aim is to scientifically study the Holocaust and listen to both sides before reaching a conclusion”?

Eminently respectable, is it not? Perhaps the cheerful Iranian regime will finally get to the bottom of a thorny problem that has vexed scorching anti-Semites and deranged neo-Nazis for decades.

As an upstanding lackey for the peaceable Iranian regime, Mr. Mohammadi is naturally concerned about spurious charges linking the upcoming conference to Muslim anti-Semitism. We think he proves particularly adept at denying these baseless contentions. About the larger meaning of the gathering, he says: “Our policy doesn't mean we want to defend the crimes of Hitler.”

Oh, great: Thanks for clearing that up. Color us convinced.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are sorry we’re going to miss this meeting of the minds. First, we won’t get a chance to see Profs. Mearsheimer and Walt offer their presentation. That’s a real pity: Don’t their prestigious university affiliations make anti-Semitism seem so much more respectable? If you ask us, it’s like Himmler in Tweed.

And, of course, we’ll also miss out on President Jimmy Carter’s rousing contribution to the assembly. That’s unfortunate: We savor President Carter’s learned musings on the Middle East almost as much as we treasure his tin-eared poetry. Gosh: “Stagflation,” anti-Zionism, atrocious doggerel, and blithering incompetence—can anyone explain why Carter isn’t deemed the greatest President in US history?