December 06, 2006

You Ask, You Decide

Chris Wallace, the anchor for the television program “Fox News Sunday,” has caused a stir or two in recent months. As is well known, Mr. Wallace earned the finger-wagging ire of President Bill Clinton for daring to ask one tough question about the Clinton administration’s failure to capture Osama bin Laden.

More recently, Barney Frank, a Democratic congressman from Massachusetts, was in a huff over his interview with Mr. Wallace, arguing that the television host failed to offer his audience an accurate impression of the matters up for discussion.

Clearly, our pals in the Democratic Party don’t much care for media outfits that aren’t in their pockets. And who could blame them? Tough questions are, after all, tough. As a result, our lefty politicians far prefer the “mainstream media” outlets, which present a far less hostile environment to liberals.

Take, for example, Tim Russert’s mind-blowingly feculent interview with Jimmy Carter, former failed President, humanitarian, and Jew-hater. On “Meet the Press,” the typically tough Mr. Russert offered what must be the most pathetic softball group of questions imaginable to President Carter, even though Carter presented a string of dubious points on which any real journalist should have pounced. That, think our Democratic pals, is a much more congenial interview.

But what to do about Mr. Wallace? Surely he can’t go around asking Democrats difficult questions. That might give the American people the erroneous impression that the contemporary Democratic Party isn’t pure political perfection.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” think we have come up with a reasonable solution to this vexing problem. If Mr. Wallace would simply follow our advice, he’d no longer earn the opprobrium of those delicate Democratic politicos.

We call our solution “You Ask, You Decide,” and we think it’ll do the trick perfectly. Here’s how it goes. Before any interview with a Democratic politician, Mr. Wallace must ask his interviewee for a list of acceptable questions. During the taping, Mr. Wallace merely asks questions from the list—and questions from the list alone. A crisis averted!

In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” will suggest a few queries for a future interview with Bill Clinton. Instead of his naggingly appropriate questions, we think that the following questions would earn him President Cliinton’s favor:

1) President Clinton, you seem like a real lady-killer. Do women quite fancy you? Why would that be?

2) President Clinton, many people think you’re one of the best—and handsomest—presidents ever. Could you explain your appeal?

3) Numerous Americans want you to be president forever. Why do you think they feel this way?

4) Could you discus how your earnest moral convictions guided your steadfast, just decisions during your term in office?

5) President Clinton, a lot of women would like to have sexual intercourse with you. Could you tell us how they could accomplish this goal?

Yeah, that’d be far more to Clinton’s liking.

Posted at December 6, 2006 12:01 AM | TrackBack