Impeach Adlai Stevenson!

Like all God-fearing Americans, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” spend lots of time traipsing around the left-wing “weblogosphere.” If you ask us, the lefty nutters who froth and foam about contemporary politics make for enjoyable reading. We consider their nonsense one of the great gifts of Al Gore’s Internet. (Here’s another: Pictures of a semi-clad Tipper.)

Now, when we say “lefty nutters,” we don’t mean reasonable liberals of the New Republic variety. One might quibble with the Peter Beinarts of the world, but he and his ilk are intelligent, grounded folk—far more compelling than crazy right-wingers like, say, Grover Norquist. (That man would run over his cousin in a Buick if it would lower taxes.) No: When we refer to “lefty nutters,” we most assuredly mean “lefty nutters.”

You know the kind of people we’re talking about, dear reader. They have a hard time sleeping because of the machinations of “the evil President Bush and his fascist, war-mongering minions.” They can’t think straight because they’re so enraged by the “Zionist conspiracy that led to 9/11.” They got into a car wreck because they plastered so many anti-Bush stickers on their automobile that they couldn’t see through the windows.

In a just world, such people would be confined to the very margins of society. You know, the places where lunatics hang out—like asylums and academia.

But no: Apparently we don’t inhabit a just world. Boy, that’s news to us. And thus our frequent perusals of the World-Wide Web lead us to believe that the far Left has a welcome home on the Internet. Not, we hasten to add, a home sufficiently large to get Ned Lamont elected, but a house nevertheless.

Frankly, dear reader, taking in all these hardcore lefty screeds has left our minds reeling. How many times can you read minute variations on the same “Can-You-Believe-Evil-Chimpy-McHitler” theme and remain of entirely sound mind? We have the funny feeling that, if our reading habits remain the same, we’re bound to find out.

As crazy as these left-wing jeremiads are, however, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” think they can get even more unhinged. If you ask us, the typical arch-liberal diatribe suffers from a failure of imagination. It’s just a congeries of the same flaccid arguments, over, and over, and over. You know: Kind of like Keith Olbermann.

“Impeach Bush!” they shout, oblivious to American political realities. “Impeach Cheney!” To which we respond: Ho-hum.

Why not spruce things up a bit with a less cookie-cutter approach. Come on, lefties: Why not clamor to “Impeach Adlai Stevenson”?

Sure, Stevenson was never president. And he was a Democrat. And he’s dead. But, we figure, he’s got about as much chance to be impeached as George Bush. At least an “Impeach Stevenson” “post” would grab our attention.