Someone Please Give Gwyneth Paltrow a Sandwich

God bless our computer’s spell-checker. For some marvelous yet inexplicable reason, it fails to recognize both “Gwyneth” and “Paltrow.” Of course, it also knows nothing of “postcolonialism” and “neoconservatism,” so perhaps our spell-checker was originally designed for use with an abacus. It seems more behind the times than a Chia Pet.

Regardless of the reason, our spell-checker delightfully professes ignorance about one of the most irksomely self-obsessed of American entertainers. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” wish we could say the same for us.

Oh, how charming life would be if Gwyneth Paltrow—the full-time anorexic who moonlights as an actress—failed to register on our collective radar screen! How beautiful that would be!

By now, dear reader, you have undoubtedly heard that Ms. Paltrow is currently making amends for putting her extremely slim foot in her extremely slim mouth. In an interview quoted on the Drudge Report (so you know it has to be true), Ms. Paltrow claimed that the “British are much more civilized and intelligent than the Americans.”

To which we respond: Uh, Gwyneth, that’s “civilised.” If you’re going to come down with a case of Anglophilia, you might as well get the British spelling right. You bloody fool.

Apparently, some of America’s rabid right-wing “webloggers” are in a huff over Ms. Paltrow’s slight (if you will). We’re sorry if we’re not as jingoistic as our angry fellow citizens, but forgive us if we fail to get enraged at this nincompoop’s insult.

We mean, come on: She dated Ben Affleck, for crying out loud. She was in Shallow Hal, pound for pound (if you will) the most insipid movie of all time. And she married some Neanderthal pop star who has made a decent living off of a passable Bono impression.

Not, we dare say, real intellectual material. We have the sneaking suspicion that Ms. Paltrow doesn’t read back issues of Partisan Review before bedtime. After all, those George Orwell articles don’t have any pictures.

And let’s not even mention the fact that starving yourself to death in order to look sexy as a rail isn’t exactly fiendishly clever. For someone who can claim to have helped girls worldwide generate eating disorders, she’s really not in a position to judge other people’s smarts.

So, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are fully prepared to allow Ms. Paltrow to excoriate these here United States of America. Sure, the US may have horrid dental care in comparison with the UK. It may also boast distinctly inferior pudding. And thank the Lord that Ms. Paltrow has the right to express her opinion.

But, this being a free country, we possess that right as well. So here goes: Gwyneth Paltrow is a stuck-up, no-talent moron who only became a film star because of her parents’ connections. Gee, Gwyneth: How do you like a little freedom of speech, American style?