The Big Day?

Well, dear reader, December 5 is the day we have all been waiting for. And by “we” we mean “pathetically self-obsessed ‘webloggers’ who pretend to be more down-to-earth than mainstream journalists but are actually as sickeningly narcissistic as they.” Yeah: You know who you are.

You guessed it: On December 5—a very short day away—the official finalists for the “2006 Weblog Awards” shall be announced. Since a number of kindly readers of this humble “weblog” have nominated “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” for a category or two, you can well imagine that we’re extremely nervous, full of anticipation. We’ve got more butterflies than a guy with lots of butterflies.

After all, this year’s “Weblog Awards” could mark our triumphant comeback from last year’s fiasco. As longtime enthusiasts of this “weblog” well know, the “2005 Weblog Awards” didn’t treat us terribly well. Although we landed a nice spot as an official finalist for the “Best Humor Blog” category, we were pretty much outgunned from the start.

As you can well imagine, this was well-nigh mortifying for the crack young staff. Whilst something called Jesus’ General basked in all manner of votes, our humble “weblog” fared worse than a Hitler for President campaign. Thank God we didn’t spend too much of our retirement money on television advertising.

Now, in our own defense, we must add a few important details: The clever lads and lasses behind the “2005 Weblog Awards” failed to spell our “weblog’s” name correctly on its roster of “Humor Weblog” finalists. That certainly didn’t make things any easier. We mean, come on: Do you think we would have had the same results in 1992 if “Bill Clunton” were on the ballot? We collectively think not.

Secondly, we would be remiss if we failed to mention that nobody seems to read this humble “weblog.” By this, we’re not inferring that nobody famous takes in our musings—Lindsey Lohan, say, or the lead singer of Loverboy. No: We mean that absolutely no one appears to like us. Not even our mothers.

It’s sad, dear reader, but it’s apparently true. Unless, of course, we find ourselves nominated for a prestigious “2006 Weblog Awards” category—like “Most Scintillating Use of Fecal Matter and a Cat Stevens Album”—and we spank the competition like a red-headed step child. That, as our old pal Steve Windwood would say, would put us back in the highlife again.