The Internet Kiss of Death

Lots of people write their own “weblogs,” the Internet equivalent of a semi-public diary. We’ve long said that “weblogging” is one of Al Gore’s greatest gifts to humankind. All a prospective “weblogger” must do, it seems, is happen upon a marginally clever title for one’s musings, learn a handful of “html” commands, and start typing away.

Pretty soon, you’re darn near guaranteed to have around three readers, all of whom accidentally stumbled upon your “website” whilst searching for “on-line” pornography. (That’ll teach you to name a “post” “Three Cows and a Midget.”) It’s an exhilarating feeling: Penning feckless barbs for five people, three of whom hate your guts. Naturally, we heartily recommend it.

Now, since we heartily recommend the life of a “weblogger” (apt phrase, that), we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” figured that we’d offer a bit of advice for the World-Wide-Web novice dying to get started. Yeah: We’re that magnanimous. You don’t need to thank us: We do it for the intrinsic satisfaction.

So, what kind of help can we offer? That’s a darn good question. First, we suppose we should mention that you shouldn’t name your “weblog” “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly.” Obviously, we’re not dissuading you from this for entirely altruistic reasons: If you Sununu the title of our “weblog,” we’ll be mighty peeved.

Also, though, if you entitle your “weblog” “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” you’re likely to receive all manner of e-mails limp-wristedly chiding you for your choice. Take our collective word for it.

This takes us to a more important bit of e-advice. If you aim to write a “weblog” that lasts longer than the lifespan of a fruit fly, then don’t ask us for a “link.” As far as we can intuit, winding up on our “weblogroll” is tantamount to a one-way ticket to Failure Town (population: 5,576,478,894,103).

If Edward Hopper could see our “weblogroll,” he’d surely call it an e-boulevard of broken dreams. We’re not particularly proud of this, of course, but that doesn’t stop it from being painfully true.

It’s as if earning a spot on our “weblogroll” immediately alerts some odd Russian Internet mafia, which manages to bump off everyone listed on “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly.” Time after time, we “link” to a “website” only to find out that its author mysteriously vanished the moment we noticed him.

To add insult to injury, the only “weblog” for which we’re the “weblog father” lasted all of two days. Sure, it was a pretty good run. But a sixteen-year-old boy has more stamina, for crying out loud.

Sure, sure: There are a few gems on our “weblogroll,” whose authors have managed to stave off the Russian Internet underground. But they are few and far between. So, unless you desperately desire to “weblog” but have only one “post” in you, we suggest you stay clear of us.