In Praise of Sudafed

Bitch, bitch, bitch. Complain, complain, complain. In a nutshell, the two previous (pseudo-)sentences encapsulate the lifeblood of this humble “weblog.” Actually, they do so even outside of a nutshell.

If we aren’t kvetching about the useful idiots at The Huffington Post or hectoring the useless idiots at The Nation, you can bet we’re laying into some dimwitted column in the Gray Lady. At times, dear reader, our hectic excoriation schedule makes a garden-variety one trick pony seem as if it can actually do two tricks. We’re like the Jessica Simpsons of the Internet: We’re only good for one thing.

Yet not today. For in this humble installment of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” we endeavor to laud, not contemn. We aim to praise, not scorn. On this day, we play the role of hagiographers and encomiasts. To put it in more demotic phraseology, we want to say something nice.

Without much in the way of further ado, then, allow us to commence with the e-praise.

As often occurs round about this time of year, the Official Headquarters of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has morphed into a veritable Petrie dish of disease. Unfortunately, the crack young staff is currently carrying more illnesses than a veteran French whore with a nasty intravenous drug habit. Who’s dating Charlie Sheen.

In this time of need, dear reader, we often turn to a product that works wonders: Sudafed. If only other pharmaceuticals were half as effective!

Admittedly, this powerful nasal decongestant has its downsides. After popping a couple of these magic pills, one routinely experiences a minor case of vertigo—the legs begin to buckle and you feel as if you may very well pass out.

In addition, we would be remiss if we failed to mention that Sudafed can leave you feeling drier than the Mohave Desert in the summer. Not to mention the slight jitters it tends to bring.

Ah, but that’s nothing in comparison with its benefits. Simply put, the stuff works wonders, and they keep making more potent versions of this wonder drug each year. Four hours, six hours, 10 hours, 24 hours—pretty soon the folks behind Sudafed will patent a decongestant that you only have to take annually.

So, fine: Let all the huzzahs go to NyQuil, the PCP of cold medications. We’ll take our Sudafed, some Puffs Plus, and a box of herbal tea any day of the week. If Rogaine worked as well as Sudafed, we’d be much happier fellows. And ladies.