Long John Silver’s

Here’s a good rule of thumb: Never trust a fast-food place that serves fish. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” consider this such an obvious piece of advice that it hardly merits repetition.

It’s kind of like “Don’t have unprotected sexual intercourse with Paris Hilton.” Or: “Don’t let Mickey Rourke house-sit for you.” We mean, come on: Isn’t that so obvious?

All the same, dear reader, one of the junior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—would have been well served to hear this tidbit from the mouth of a friend before he headed off to the local Long John Silver’s establishment for a quick lunch. It would have saved him a lot of agony and warded away around 45 pounds of fat.

For whatever reason, “Chip” had never set foot in a Long John Silver’s. Perhaps it’s a result of good upbringing. Or maybe it’s because there wasn’t a Long John Silver’s in his hometown area. Anyway, it seemed like a foreboding franchise, the sort of business that’s not for the dedicated landlubber.

It’s the kind of place that even a Taco Bell fanatic might find nauseating. As the antiquated commercial goes, Mikey might like everything, but there’s no way that he’d dig Long John Silver’s. After all, even the place’s name is an abomination. It probably even sounds hokey to pirates.

In fact, “Chip” must report that Long John Silver’s is even worse than you’d imagine. And there are manifold reasons why this is so. Allow us to highlight a few.

First, the particular restaurant (and we use that term very loosely) that “Chip” entered was filthy: Trays of unappetizing foodstuffs on the tables and assorted crumbs as far as the eyes could see. Not, “Chip” thought to himself, a good start.

And then there’s the small matter of the victuals themselves. Having forced himself to take in most of the “popcorn shrimp” he ordered, “Chip” can firmly declare that Long John Silver’s produces the kind of food that makes KFC appear like a haven for gourmands.

In short, Long John Silver’s is for people who find Red Lobster a bit too upscale. Everything tasted like chicken-fried garbage.

To be honest, it’s just as well that this establishment is so unappetizing. After all, treat yourself to a plate of deep-fried pseudo-fish death scrapple a day and you won’t last long enough to enjoy a healthy retirement. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have the faint idea that the hush puppies were the most healthful item on the menu.

So, dear reader, take our advice. Stay away from this wretched place. And, yes: Eschew the Lobster Bites. We promise you’ll thank us for it.