August 25, 2006

Supporting the Unsupportable

No, dear reader, the title of today’s “post” does not refer to Dolly Parton’s bras. Rather, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” figured that we’d change things up a bit and take a break from our quotidian political cogency. That is to say, in today’s humble “post,” we envision a horrible piece of legislation and offer it our unmitigated support.

Now, you may be asking yourself, why in the good Lord’s name would we want to do that? Well, dear reader, every once in a while we get sick and tired of making so much darned sense. We get fed up with the ultra-rational demonstrations of our unique political acumen. In short, we need to “think outside the box” once in a while, as countless twits say.

Supporting a hands-on approach to combating Islamic fascism; caterwauling against the excesses of multiculturalism; obliterating hypocrisy; defending civilization against its enemies—all this may be dead-on, but it’s also boring. So, today we’ve set our minds on making a horrendous mistake. Consider this our Ashlee Simpson “post.”

We call this mistake the “Leave Some Children Behind Act,” and we think it’s a dandy. As you well know, dear reader, politicians from both ends of the political spectrum can’t stop prattling on about “leaving no child behind.” From Bush administration stooges to the loveable loons at The Nation, darn near everyone thinks that leaving a child behind is a cardinal sin. One wonders how they manage the courage to hire a baby-sitter.

Frankly, dear reader, we think forcing every child in front of you (if you will) is a big mistake. In fact, we deem it preferable to leave at least some children behind. Hence the name of our proposed bill, which would surely be as popular as tofu in Cheyenne.

Now, before you get up in arms about the militant unfairness involved in leaving a few scamps behind, hear us out. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have absolutely no interest in discrimination of any sort. As our liberal pals know, discrimination is an abominable evil, which must be rectified by state-sanctioned discrimination.

As such, our bill is an equal opportunity leaver-behinder, if you will. We support shoving all sorts of kids into the background: Rich white kids named Nigel; poor Mexican kids named Nigel; the Amish; et al.

And there’s good reason to champion our bill. Pace every elected official in the country, some kids positively beg to be left behind. We mean, come on: The world needs ditch-diggers too.

Posted at August 25, 2006 12:01 AM | TrackBack