July 31, 2006

Bumper Stickers

Greetings, loyal readers of The Hatemonger’s Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader of Naked Villainy starting day one of his week-long stint as guest “weblogger.” Why it seems like only yesterday that your Maximum Leader was guesting at the HMQ while the Crack Young Staff was moving into their new, and well-appointed, corporate offices. In a way, your Maximum Leader is beginning to feel like David Letterman to the Crack Young Staff’s Johnny Carson. (Or would your Maximum Leader be Joan Rivers in that equation? Humm…)

But your Maximum Leader digresses…

The other day, while driving around in the Villainmobile, your Maximum Leader chanced to observe some thought provoking bumper stickers on various and sundry cars sharing the road with your Maximum Leader. He thought he would share his thoughts about them with you, the readers of The Hatemonger’s Quarterly.

The first observation is this, drivers from Maryland with bumper stickers on their car that read “Jesus said ‘Love your enemies.’ I don’t think that he meant to kill them” are neither good nor polite drivers. Okay… Perhaps this is a bit of hyperbole and your Maximum Leader using potentially faulty inductive reasoning to cast aspersions on all drivers from Maryland with insipid bumper stickers on their cars. On the other hand, if he were to conduct a scientific study of the phenomenon he believes his initial reasoning would stand.

Maryland drivers with insipid stickers on their cars, according to your Maximum Leader’s observations, tend to swerve erratically within their lane as well as change lanes suddenly and without signaling. They also seem to like to cut you off as you are getting into a left turn lane. They seem to completely disregard the fact that you are driving a 5000lb, V-8 powered, 4-door, 410 horsepower, leather interiored uber-sedan; and they are driving a 14 years old 2000lb, 2 cylinder, 80 horsepower hatchback with a faded cloth interior.

But your Maximum Leader digresses…

You see, your Maximum Leader, while peeved by the behavior of said Maryland driver, was sure that in the end the Maryland driver would be weeded out of the human gene pool by some process of natural selection.

Why you ask?

Well… It is the bumper sticker that is the “tell” in this hand of cards so to speak. Jesus might have admonished his followers to love their enemies and turn the other cheek, but sensible Christians have for centuries understood that the Lord was not above pulling out the whip and driving the ne’er-do-wells from the Temple when the occasion required it. In our modern world strict and literal adherence to a faulty interpretation of scripture tends to lead people to a bad end.

Your Maximum Leader wonders how this Maryland driver would react to their home being katushka rocketed by their fundamentalist neighbors in Delaware. He suspects that the Maryland driver would turn the other cheek and fervently hope that their house was katushka-proof. In the end, your Maximum Leader doubts that the Maryland driver would last long against the fundamentalist Delawareans.

In any case, your Maximum Leader would prefer to stay close to the SUV-driving mom with the NRA Life Member window decal, the Marine Corps license plate, and the bumper sticker which read “Note to self: Pillage THEN Burn.” She’s a survivor.

Carry on.

Posted at July 31, 2006 06:56 AM | TrackBack