July 26, 2006

Must Blame Bush, Must Blame Bush

As we’ve mentioned a couple of times, dear reader, we have greatly enjoyed perusing The New York Times as the crisis in Israel unfolds. Not, we dare say, because of the Gray Lady’s coverage, with its implicit moral equating of Israel and Hezbollah. No: The whole tired “cycle of violence” shtick doesn’t do much for us.

Rather, we mean because some of the Times most truculently anti-Bush op-eders have been bizarrely silent about the matter, even though it is surely the most pressing story of the day. It’s strange, but it’s true.

Now, perhaps such Times geniuses as Maureen Dowd recognize that they haven’t the requisite knowledge to opine on Israel and its terrorist enemies. But this doesn’t make much sense: After all, Maureen Dowd doesn’t have the requisite knowledge to opine on anything, and yet, as far as we can determine, she opines two times weekly for the Paper of Record. Again, it’s strange but it’s true.

Surely, then, the problem lies elsewhere. And, as we’ve suggested in earlier “posts,” we think we know just where. These regular leftist op-eders simply can’t figure out a way to blame Bush for the whole fiasco. As a result, they’re completely stymied. Having penned umpteen attacks on President Bush, they don’t know how to do anything else.

Of course, they could simply take the “Bush Is Doing Nothing” route, which is the favored editorial line at the Gray Lady. Still, there’s a problem or two: First, it isn’t true, and second, it isn’t sufficiently juicy.

We mean, come on: The Democratic Party has done nothing (save complain) since the War on Terror began. If you’re going to blame Bush for inaction, you aren’t going to make your own political heroes look that great. In fact, Joe Biden enjoys doing nothing in between his long bouts of pontificating.

Nice lads and lasses that we are, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have decided to come to the rescue. That is to say, we’ve devised a list of ways to blame President Bush for the current Israel-Hezbollah fracas. No longer will Maureen Dowd have to pen columns about being a menopausal coquette. (Although we’re sure she still will.)

The Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Blame-Bush-for-the-Israeal-Hezbollah-Conflict List

1) According to Michael Moore, Bush Sr. and Bush Jr., thanks to their oil ties, used to be card-carrying members of Hezbollah. Accordingly, as with every conflict in world history, this one is all about oil. And all about religion—the Christian religion, of course.

2) Via a little-known technique referred to as the Right-Wing Mind Grip, President Bush compelled Hezbollah to kidnap a few Israeli soldiers and launch missile attacks. We always knew that bastard was a warmonger, but we didn’t realize he savored combat this much. He must have had help from William Kristol.

3) Only since George W. Bush’s presidency have various Arab groups become militantly anti-Western and anti-Israeli. Clearly, his so-called “War on Terror” is failing, as even the preternaturally placid Arabs seem angry with the West.

4) Lebanon’s prime minister IS Dick Cheney.

Posted at July 26, 2006 12:01 AM | TrackBack