Graceless Nancy

Weeks ago, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” took aim at pseudo-legal attack dog-cum-pathetic pundit Nancy Grace. At the time, Ms. Grace was disgracing herself by offering extremely unfair discussions of the Duke lacrosse scandal on her television program. Although we weren’t certain about the allegations, we excoriated Ms. Grace for her snarky, over-the-top commentary on the matter.

Since that time, as you undoubtedly know, the rape allegations against the three Duke lacrosse players have all but fallen apart. Defense lawyers have leaked the report District Attorney Mike Nifong gave to them, and it appears very clear to all but the most unhinged that, as Gertrude Stein said of Oakland, there’s no there there.

Meanwhile, Mike Nifong is in a kind of career tailspin that would make Richard Marx gasp. And that, dear friends, is saying something.

So what, we wondered, would Nancy Grace have to offer about the case now? Mind you, Ms. Grace wasn’t simply mistaken about the brouhaha. She didn’t simply take sides with the accuser. Rather, she presented what can only be called a full-frontal assault on the case.

All guests on her program who dared offer a more complex picture than the “hang ‘em high” scenario she presented were rudely interrupted and castigated. As this barking lunatic saw it, there was no need for a trial at all—someone ought to take out a weapon and just kill those lacrosse bastards. They’re white, they’re rich, they did it. Q.E.D.

Well, what a difference a few weeks, DNA tests, and a mountain of contrary evidence make. As we suspected long ago, it is highly, highly unlikely that any rape occurred, and it seems quite clear that Nancy Grace is about as useful as dehydrated water. And, we might add, she’s not exactly easy on the eyes.

It is with this in mind that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” took it upon ourselves to tune into Nancy Grace’s horrific program for the last few nights. Surely, we thought, if Ms. Grace had any, well, grace, she’d apologize for her disgusting performance in this case. After all, she wasn’t merely wrong; she was obnoxious, pig-headed, and well-nigh slanderous.

Ah, but no: Nary a mention of Duke University could be heard on her show. Instead, she seems interested in pretending as if the whole thing never happened. Duke lacrosse? What’s that?

Wow, what a class act. Perhaps Mike Nifong can get around to prosecuting her next. At least she’s guilty of something.