Nancy Grace

As everyone on God’s green earth knows, a bunch of lacrosse players at Duke University hired two strippers to dance for an off-campus party in early April, and one of the two ladies claims she was brutally raped at the event. Accordingly, the mass media reasonably stopped offering coverage on nugatory matters such as illegal immigration in order to focus on this far less prurient story. It seems as if Americans are only interested in a story if it offers sufficiently salacious details.

We mention this oft-mentioned fiasco because it has introduced us to one Nancy Grace, a television pundit of whom we were previously unaware. And, oh, how great life was before we encountered this harpie! This woman is so odious that we are compelled to suggest she’s the weaker sex’s answer to Geraldo. Yeah, she’s that bad.

So who, you may be wondering, is this Nancy Grace? Well, she hosts a legal show on CNN—the kind of program that focuses on sufficiently gratuitous court cases. You know: It’s news for people who don’t get more intellectual than Cosmopolitan.

In this day and age, there are many of these programs—“The Abrams Report,” Court TV, Rita Cosby’s program, &c. But, as teeth-grindingly awful as all their histrionic hosts are, Nancy Grace is certainly the worst. This bug-eyed, self-important, malignant moron is the Mao of television hosts.

Oh, come on, you say; she can’t be that bad. Ah, but she is; she is. Merely take in a few minutes of her caterwauling over the Duke case, and we’re sure you’ll pine to hit her over the head with a block of wood.

There are many reasons why this is so. First, as befits someone with a legal background, Nancy Grace has avoided any concern for weighing evidence, and has decided that the accused are guilty regardless. DNA, impressive alibis—what’s all this to a trained legal mind such as Nancy Grace’s? Answer: Nothing at all.

Now, let us say for the record that we aren’t sure about the case ourselves. It is entirely possible, we think, that these lacrosse goons did something unspeakable at their party. At the very least, these fellows are no choir boys, and it seems highly likely that they shouted repellent racial epithets at the African-American strippers.

Yet we must admit, at this early stage, it looks less and less likely that a rape occurred. The lack of DNA evidence after a purportedly brutal rape, combined with some real problems with the alleged victim’s story leaves much room for skepticism.

But the odious Nancy Grace will have none of it. When one of her guests offers the merest doubt about the stripper’s case, she flies into a rage. If it were up to her, she’d dispense with the trial and hang all white male Duke students. Just to show them who’s boss. It appears as if Nancy Grace doesn’t think America requires a judicial system, since it already possesses the omniscient Nancy Grace.

May we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” simply say that we hope no rape occurred and this is proven in a court of law. That will mean a few good things: First, there was no rape, which is always nice. And, second, Nancy Grace will be exposed for the obnoxious, dimwitted crank she is.