Medium-Sized Shop of Horrors

The other day, dear reader, one of the junior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—had a bit of grocery shopping to do. Since he found himself in the neighborhood of the local Whole Foods market, “Chip” decided to forgo his usual grocery spot in favor of this more upscale venue.

For those of you unaware of Whole Foods—and given their emergence across the country, that shouldn’t be many of you—allow us to inform you that it’s much like your local grocery store, except with a nose ring. And a better selection of fine cheeses.

Since Whole Foods dabbles in the land of organic foodstuffs, it has a clientele that would fit right in at a Ralph Nader for president gathering or an Enya concert. As such, “Chip” had the opportunity—if that is the mot juste—to lay eyes on one of the kinds of people he avoids like the plague. Having missed the last Cindy Sheehan rally, “Chip” finally got the chance to see the homo Kucinichus in action.

And it ain’t a pretty sight. From his perusal through the Whole Foods isles, “Chip” can report that the average holier-than-thou secularist is an obnoxious cad. Throughout his perambulations, “Chip” bumped into all manner of peaceniks and brotherly-loveniks, and discovered that they aren’t much for peace and brotherly love in their private lives.

In fact, nary a Whole Foods patron could be found without a scowl prominently emblazoned on his or her unpleasant mug. If these radical utopians can’t even get along in their element, what chance does a radical utopia have?

This was amply demonstrated to “Chip” by his trip to the Whole Foods cashier. A typically scraggly fellow with abundant tattoos, this fellow first asked the typical question: “Paper of plastic?”

Yet unlike at the non-chi-chi grocery, this fellow made the query with great trepidation. As the words rolled off his tongue, he seemed jittery, and gave a great sigh of relief when “Chip” pleasantly answered “Plastic will be fine.”

Clearly, this is a guy who is used to getting ruthlessly browbeaten—if not actually beaten—for asking customers their bagging preferences. Ah, how many finger-wagging lectures about landfills and the future of the earth has this poor clerk been forced to endure!

All in all, “Chip” thought that, minus the Yoga Monthly, the Yoga Weekly, the Yoga Daily, and Nicaraguan Guru magazines at the checkout, Whole Foods is just a typical grocery store—for nasty elitist pseudo-radical dolts. The folks who inhabit such a haunt might vote for Nancy Pelosi, but they’d be pleased to run over your cat if it could get them to their Bikram class on time.