An Interesting Rumination on the Nature of Life Via the “Spam” File

Like anyone with an e-mail account, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” receive all manner of so-called “spam” e-missives. Usually, these e-blights offer dubious stock tips or promise the sight of “sightly [sic] Russian teens giving spectacular bloowjob [sic].”

An unsavory bunch of messages, to be sure. As a result, we delete these e-eyesores without even troubling ourselves to look at them. After all these months on Al Gore’s Internet, the only thing we’ve learned from “spam” is that very few men appear to have working equipment these days. And those guys seem to know a lot of Russian chicks.

Even so, every once in a Harold Bloom moon, we find ourselves on the receiving end of an epistle that most surely qualifies as “spam” and yet is far more intriguing than the garden-variety advert for under-the-counter Levitra.

One such e-letter reached our “spam” file the other day, and we found it suitably curious to deserve some comment. Sent by the apocryphally named Glenda Colvon, its title reads: “Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it’s 100% fatal.”

A strange introductory line, is it not? In fact, it seems to be in sharp contrast with a sentiment we learned from being subjected to horrid 1990s pop music: “Life is a highway; I want to ride it all night long.”

Indeed: Ms. Colvon’s message is downright pessimistic by comparison. According to her, life isn’t merely paying taxes and awaiting death. Nay, the whole thing’s just one STD. To alter Descartes (albeit slightly): I have syphilis, therefore I am.

And what, you may reasonably ask, is the purpose of Ms. Colvon’s strange example of “spam”? Why, to sell generic Viagra.

Yep, that’s right: After informing us that we’re all just one big Magic Johnson, Glenda hits us up for some erection pills. Now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aren’t advertising experts; even our Official Advertising Department majored in sociology.

But, come on: You’re going to have to start with a better pitch than that to get us itching for some penis tablets. Even a picture of Janet Reno would get us more in the mood.