Let’s Not Go Out to the Movies

Recently, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” figured that we’d treat ourselves to a movie. We’ve been working harder than the woman who does Robin Williams’ bikini waxing, and we needed a bit of a treat. And what’s a better treat than a $43 mediocre film and an inedible $67 box of popcorn? We can’t think of anything either.

But before we warmed up our fleet of gray Honda Civics and headed to the local multiplex in fuel-efficient style, we needed to agree on a picture to see. Thus we all eagerly scanned copies of the local newspaper, hoping to find an advertisement for a suitably attractive movie.

And then it hit us: Most film ads are horrifying. In fact, the large majority of them ensured that we would never watch the movies they were plugging.

For example, we spied a large advert for RV, a cinematic production starring Robin Williams. Naturally, we already weren’t enticed; after all, it’s called RV and it features Robin Williams. Anyone who thinks Mr. Williams is a surefire ticket to movie magic needs to recall these two words: Patch Adams.

Yet the advertisement miraculously made the film seem even worse. Featuring a picture of a recreational vehicle balancing atop a large number 1, it read: “Still America’s #1 Comedy!” Uh, come on, guys: That’s the best you could do?

It’s almost as if you can’t believe that this piece of trash has managed to last so long in the top spot. Gee, you must be thinking, Americans sure like pap.

Or how about the ad for a picture called Hoot? In big letters atop the advert is the slogan “Give a Hoot!” Wow: Three words and we already hate your movie.

Even the quotation used to draw in an audience is awful: “‘Hoot’ tells kids they can make a difference in this world. And that’s worth a hundred ‘Ice age 2’s,” gushes Ty Burr of The Boston Globe. Hmm. Apparently no one told the marketing geniuses behind Hoot that a hundred Ice Age 2’s aren’t worth watching.

But surely our favorite was the ad we saw for United 93, the made-for-television film that somehow wasn’t made-for-television. Almost as a dare, it quotes an unnamed critic for Time magazine: “Unmissable.”

Oh yeah? Watch us.