February 03, 2006

Canada, Haven for Degenerate Libertines?

A little while ago, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” discussed the recent election of Stephen Harper to the semi-prestigious post of Canadian prime minister. In the course of our expatiation, we mentioned that, regardless of this encouraging sign, we still didn’t trust Canadians farther than we could throw them. In fact, if memory serves, we offered various taunts aimed at our neighbors to the North, including mention of the rock group Loverboy.

Recently, we received a hearty response to our salvo from a fellow called Ben Yoskovitz. Mr. Yoskovitz, who is the proprietor of a “weblog” entitled I Got News For You, appears to have taken offense at our remarks, most likely because he’s sufficiently unfortunate to be a Canuck himself.

His letter, which we have delicately edited for the purposes of euphony, reads as follows:

Dear Young Staff of Crackers,

I just read your most recent essay on Canada. While I appreciate the enthusiasm you are showing for Canadian politics and in our country overall, I would like to point out a few things to you:

Beer + Cold Weather + Women Under the Covers = Happy Canadians

While Americans are off chasing terrorists, fighting wars, and getting themselves knee deep in piles of Middle Eastern excrement, we Canadians quite enjoy the cold weather and the opportunities it affords us.

The formula above says it clearly:

Beer = Our drinking age in most places is 19, but in Quebec it is in fact 18 (kudos to the French on this one). Americans are able to die at war before they can even have a sip of tasty ale (and I would recommend Canadian ale first and foremost over the watered down variety pushed on poor American drinkers).

Cold Weather = Certainly, the cold weather is frustrating at times, but it does help keep people inside, which brings me to the 3rd and 4th components of the formula.

Hockey = Simply put, the greatest game there is. Speed, skill, and toughness. While Canadians enjoy the odd NFL game, there are so many stoppages in play, it’s no wonder Americans are fraught with an obesity problem: Sit, watch football, wait in between each and every play, eat, eat some more, and so forth.

Women Under the Covers = Possibly the most important of all elements, the cold keeps the ladies under the covers. And the men are rarely far behind.

Best of luck, my friends to the South, with your wars, massive deficit, and general chaos. Your friends to the North will be drinking, watching sports, and fornicating to our hearts’ content!

Ben Yoskovitz

We know what you’re thinking, dear reader: That’s an awfully convincing letter. In fact, we’d wager that the “Beer + Cold Weather + Hockey + Women Under the Covers = Happy Canadians” formula amounts to the apex of Canadian science. Move over, Einstein, the Nooks in the North are bellyin’ up to the bar!

In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” firmly believe that Mr. Yoskovitz’s missive dwarfs the greatest achievement in Canadian history. We refer, of course, to the television program “Degrassi Junior High,” a quintessntial example of Canadian genius.

Even so, we hope Mr. Yoskovitz doesn’t mind if we quibble with his epistle a bit. Far be it for us to find fault with his eminently reasonable arguments. But we think we have a couple of interesting things to point out.

First, we believe that Mr. Yoskovitz leaves us with the unfortunate impression that Canadians are nothing but a passel of degenerate libertines. Hand these hosers a Molson, allow them to plug in their cars, and turn on the Maple Leafs game, and our Canadian friends will be ultra-content. They won’t worry at all about their ludicrous tax rate, the major problems with their socialized medicine, or, for that matter, Loverboy.

May we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” suggest that Mr. Yoskovitz offers a rather ghastly picture of his fellow countrymen? Whilst Americans are off saving civilization, Canadians are watching a sport sufficiently ludicrous to have a team named the “Tampa Bay Lightning”? We don’t want to seem uppity, but we think there’s a bit of a moral chasm between a country of dimwitted dipsomaniacs and one that attempts to save the world from Islamofascism.

Somehow, it appears as if Mr. Yoskovitz doesn’t see it this way. In fact, he seems not to believe in the necessity of America’s “excrement”-laden foreign policy. Perhaps we can clear this up in the form of a formula:

Islamofascists Plotting in Canada + Degenerate Hedonist Canucks = Dead Canadians.

In fact, Mr. Yoskovitz, we’ll let you borrow that formula, if you like. Perhaps you can ponder it before the Winnipeg Jets game hits the air. Oh, that’s right: Canada—the country of hockey fanatics—doesn’t have enough of an economic engine to keep all its erstwhile hockey teams. Well, there’s still the Quebec Nordiques.

Posted at February 3, 2006 12:01 AM | TrackBack