People Vote with Their (Dirty) Hands

Anyone who stays even cursorily informed about current events knows that sundry Americans are supposedly in a tizzy about the Bush administration’s sordid insistence on forcing Google to fork over search lists that pertain to Internet pornography. Although this matter actually specifically regards child porn, numerous liberals are certain that this proves that America has quickly degenerated into a police state.

If you ask us, it is slightly unfounded to argue that the United States has turned into Big Brother’s wet dream. Believe us: We live in American, and we just don’t see it.

In fact, this has left us with a hunch: We reckon (as the hicks say) that American progressives demonstrate delusions of grandeur when they natter on about the government spying on them. We mean, come on: Who the heck needs to monitor the inane life of a food co-op employee from Madison? We’re pretty certain that America will survive without the FBI rifling through his myriad receipts for tofu products.

Actually, dear reader, we have some proof that our progressive friends are a bit off-base. Like numerous hi-tech “webloggers,” we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can monitor the search words e-travelers use to head to our “website.”

We know, we know: You are upset that we have such invasive power over you. But don’t worry: We’ve already sold all of your information to the lovable folks at Jews for Jesus, and they should be over your house any minute with some informational brochures.

Anyway, we mention this merely because these impressive powers allow us to track whether Americans feel that they inhabit a totalitarian state. That is to say, we can track—albeit unscientifically—whether progressives have convinced people that Brother Bush is Watching You, or if, as we contend, they’re off they’re rockers.

Although our Official Internet Monitoring Team has only been watching the data roll in for a few short days, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” must inform you that signs point to “they’re off their rockers.”

For, dear reader, the most popular words used by those finding our humble “weblog” are “naked midgets.” Yeah, that’s right: Naked midgets. We’re not particularly proud of that. Naked midgets even beat out “fat Kelly LeBrock.” Sad but true.

Now, we suppose there’s a chance that the government is currently rounding up all of these folks, and they will soon spend the rest of their cotton-pickin’ lives rotting away in a dank cell next to other American political prisoners, such as Mumia Abu-Jamal. But, quite frankly, we collectively doubt it.

So, the next time a progressive pal blathers on about the authoritarian nightmare that is the United States, just tell him you like to live dangerously, and Google the words “naked midgets.” That will allow you to head to our humble “website,” where he can find out that—surprise, surprise—he’s a moron.