January 26, 2006

Canada, You’re Still Not Off the Hook

By now, dear reader, you undoubtedly recognize that the odious Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin has lost his reelection bid, and his Conservative Party rival, Stephen Harper, will soon replace him as the top man up north. Naturally, this is a cause for celebration: Canadians and Americans will be well served by Martin’s exit from political life. After all, Martin fostered distinctly anti-American positions, and made much of his well-publicized hatred for the United States.

Frankly, dear reader, this election officially marks the first time that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have cared one iota about Canadian politics. We know, we know: It’s always important to keep up with world affairs. But it never seemed to matter to us whether the Prime Minister was named Cretin or not (or was that Chretien?).

In our defense, we have never cared much about the elections for other posts of similar power and influence. Like dogcatcher in Dubuque. So you can’t chalk up our un-studied indifference to Canadian politics to some sort of anti-Canuck sentiment.

To put it in analogy form, American politics is to Canadian politics what the NFL is to the Canadian Football League. And who the heck cares about the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, for crying out loud?

All the same, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are delighted that Mr. Harper has won, and we hope that his victory ushers in a new age of cooperation among these North American nations. And we must heartily applaud Canadians for voting in Mr. Harper, and ignoring the repellent nonsense pitched by Paul Martin.

But this does not mean that we are completely willing to let bygones be bygones. No sir, Canada: We still trust you about as much as a drunk uncle from West Virginia.

It is in this spirit, dear reader, that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have crafted the following open letter to our pals up north. As university administrators are wont to say, we hope this will begin a glorious dialogue between the United States and Canada. Perhaps we’ll even send it along to some of our Canadian “weblogging” pals, so that they can get enraged and compose stinging retorts.

An Open Letter To Canada by The Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”

Okay, Canada—so you did pretty good, for once. But let’s not let this get to your head, eh? (As you might say.) There are still plenty of things about you that irk the heck out of us, your neighbors to the South. In fact, we were hoping that you could take care of them, now that you have done one thing to please the good ole’ USA.

First, you have a French part. Now, to be sure, you don’t much esteem the French part of Canada either. But, man, it really bugs Americans. We mean, come on: The French are already mega-irritating, and they are at least European. French-Canadians offer all of the snootiness of the French without any of the culture associated with Europe. Does it get worse than this? These people simply must be stopped.

Also, we Americans greatly dislike the cavalcade of aesthetic mediocrities you have sent our way. Bryan Adams, Celine Dione, Loverboy—doesn’t America have a sufficient number of horrid stars on its own? Do we really need Rick Moranis?

Third—and most importantly—the renaming of Northwest Territories was entirely unnecessary and ridiculous. How many people live there anyway? Three? It is this kind of pansy capitulation to multiculturalism that makes you look bad in the first place.

And why all the finger-wagging about Kyoto? You guys could really profit from global warming. Haven’t you ever been to Northwest Territories? It’s as cold as a bitch.

Warm Wishes and Maple Leafs,
The Crack Young Staff of THMQ

Posted at January 26, 2006 12:01 AM | TrackBack