If Dr. King Were Alive Today, He’d Say “Shut Up, You Idiot”

As everyone outside of Arizona well knows, another Martin Luther King Day has come and gone. And this has allowed us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” time to reflect on the legacy of Dr. King, and the great things he accomplished in his life.

Naturally, we certainly consider ourselves fans of the Good Doctor. Even so, dear reader, we would be fibbing if we told you that Martin Luther King Day were entirely un-irksome.

Now, before you get all bent out of shape, allow us to tell you what we mean. We’re not talking about strange references to Parliament’s Chocolate City record, although apparently it’s been in the news of late. And we don’t mean a certain thick-legged and thick-headed politician’s references to “plantations.”

Rather, dear reader, we are referring to the myriad columnists, essayists, and television commentators who offer variations on the following phrase: “If Dr. King were alive today, he’d….” This sentiment, or various approximations thereof, bothers the heck out of us. Darn near every one who discusses racial issues near Martin Luther King Day—regardless of political views—invokes this tired phrase.

Are we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” the only ones who find this a pathetic gambit? After all, how do these morons know what Dr. King would support if he were alive today? Who’s to say that he wouldn’t have undergone a radical political transformation, and become a card-carrying member of the Christian Falangist Party? It’s unlikely, we’ll admit, but it’s a possibility all the same.

We mean, come on: If you watch the chat shows around MLK Day, you are constantly flooded with talking heads assured that the late Civil Rights leader would be a stalwart defender of their positions. As far as they’re concerned, Dr. King would support everything from protests against the Iraq War to aluminum siding. He’d be for welfare reform, affirmative action, school choice, euthanasia, knickers, Cadbury Crème Eggs, rap music, female circumcision, midget Jell-O wrestling, &c.

Would it be too much for us to assert that Dr. King, were he alive today, would be a humungous fan of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”? We’re darn sure that he’d glory in our luminous animadversions and chortle at our wry observations. In fact, we’ll go so far as to suggest that Dr. King would consider “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” the very best “website” on Al Gore’s World-Wide Web.

As such, it’s particularly unfortunate that Dr. King could not be alive today. Not only would he have been able to continue with his important Civil Rights work, he would have really aided our “weblog’s” popularity.

Oh, well. We suppose we’ll have to shoot for Louis Farrakhan’s endorsement instead. (What was that Billy Joel said about only the good dying young? We suppose that’s why he’s still with us.)