The SUV: Twenty-First Century Answer to Penis Envy

Every once in a great while, something we loathe is also detested by such an odious group that we have to think twice about the object of our uncontrollable scorn. A perfect example of this is surely the Sport Utility Vehicle, better known in these here United States as the SUV.

After all, nothing irks the chuckleheaded terrorists at the Earth Liberation Front quite like a gas-guzzling SUV. (Well, maybe the logging industry does. Or showering. But we digress.) And that, it seems to us, is nearly reason to like SUVs.

Nearly. Yet the SUV is such an irksome piece of machinery that we simply can’t pretend to esteem it.

Now, don’t get us wrong, dear reader: We aren’t particularly troubled by the fact that SUVs use up a horrid amount of fuel. We don’t think it’s particularly wonderful to drive a vehicle that’s less efficient than a teenager with ADHD, especially given the unsavory nature of those OPECers. But this isn’t what really gets our dander up.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” couldn’t help but notice that the majority of these SUVs are driven by women. In fact, the female members of the crack young staff—who make up nearly 47 percent of us—were the first to mention this. And, like card-carrying postmodernists, we feel as if this has something to do with power. Let’s be trendy and call it a “discourse of power.” (It makes you feel as if you have tenure, doesn’t it?)

Now, come on: How many ladies spend a sufficient amount of time off-roading to warrant the purchase of an SUV? If we were betting men and women—and, unlike morality czar Bill Bennett, we’re not—we’d say not many.

Some may say that the typical soccer mom (Latin name: Mater pilea) fancies an SUV for reasons of safety. But this makes no sense: Volvos are plenty safe, and yet those appear to have gone out of style along with “Baby on Board” stickers.

No, if you ask us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” women favor SUVs because they’re big and offer the illusion of power. In short, it’s because they have penis envy. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but other times an SUV is a substitute for a penis.

A number of you may be wondering: “What about the male drivers of SUVs?” They have penis envy too.

It’s so bloody obvious. Given the choice between an SUV and a Hummer, what man—gay, straight, or Tom Cruise—wouldn’t want a Hummer?