January 09, 2006

Another Great Marketing Idea

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” feel as if we are experts in the world of marketing and advertising. Sure, we don’t have much in the way of experience—a few mediocre garage sales, a few mediocre visits to a sperm bank, &c. And yet, if given the chance, we feel as if we could make a bundle. Or even money.

Why, just a few days ago, in fact, we collectively came up with yet another brilliant idea. A longtime pal of a few staffers sent us word about The Boston Globe Store’s Autograph Series, which offers “prints signed by Boston’s sports superstars.” Prospective purchasers can pick up, for example, a fancy image of Johnny Damon as a member of the Red Sox, complete with Mr. Damon’s own John Hancock. (Boy, that’ll sell like hotcakes, eh?)

So, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” figured that a slight tweaking of this concept could make us very, very wealthy. Our Official Marketing Department has been working on our scheme for the better part of an hour, and we think it’s pretty dandy. Get your checkbooks out, dear reader, and prepare to spend Jim Cramer’s Mad Money on the following quality items:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Marketing Department Proudly Presents:


Have you, dear reader, always pined to demonstrate your undying love for your favorite public intellectual? We neither. Still, think of how you could impress your friends with exclusive items signed by the world’s most famous talking heads? (Well, actually it’s their hands that will sign them. But we digress.)

In this special one-time offer, we are selling the following items. You will not see them in stores, so pick them up today!

A Rock Signed by the late Edward Said

Make yourself the envy of every New York Review of Books reader in the neighborhood with this rock, which Egyptian-born charlatan Edward Said hurled at the IDF. And, unlike Israel’s existence, this signed rock is officially endorsed by Edward Said’s family.

A Copy of Profit Over People: Neoliberalism and Global Order Signed by its Marxist author, Noam Chomsky

Nothing says “authenticity” quite like a signed copy of a polemic written by a Marxist who got rich from its sales! Take that, capitalism!

Doris Kearns Goodwin Signs Someone Else’s Book

For a limited time, Doris Kearns Goodwin, everyone’s favorite plagiarist, will sign copies of other people’s works. That might not sound so special, but come on: She probably spent about as much time on these books as she did on her own. And, if we can’t get Dr. Goodwin to sign her own work, we’ll simply get one of her graduate student toadies to fake her signature for her!

So, dear reader, we suggest that you order now. Our first two hundred customers get a free copy of Mein Kampf signed by Pat Buchanan. Or you can select a complimentary copy of an official Susan Estrich Pacifyer. Finally something will shut her up!

Posted at January 9, 2006 12:01 AM | TrackBack