January 10, 2006
Save “Tookie,” and Kill the “MF’s”!
As you might well imagine, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are avid readers of The Amsterdam News, a ragingly left-wing rag aimed at black Americans (whom it calls Black Americans). Anyone who has been sufficiently fortunate to take a gander at this paper on the well-stocked newsstand knows that its graphic design and overall appearance are slightly less impressive than that of a middle school newsletter. Circa 1982. That is to say, it’s a real winner.
It is with the greatest of shame, then, that we admit that we have not kept up with The Amsterdam News of late. Think of all the impressive journalistic work we are missing. Or, at least, all the I-hate-whitey race-baiting.
Upon reading a mention of The Amsterdam News on our pal Rachel’s “weblog,” therefore, we excitedly perused the rag’s “website.” Our reuniting with The Amsterdam News was much like Odysseus’ reuniting with Penelope. Only neither Odysseus nor Penelope was black (or Black, for that matter). Admittedly, though, we have not kept abreast of Afrocentric scholarship of late, and maybe someone has argued that they are both black, much like Beethoven, Jesus, Henry Kissinger, Pat Boone, and a cavalcade of other supposed Caucasians.
So, you are undoubtedly wondering what treasures we have been missing by skipping our typical fix of The Amsterdam News. Well, one such oversight has been neglecting the sagacious and clear-headed political analysis of Wilbert A. Tatum. Mr. Tatum is the distinguished Editor Emeritus and Chairman of the Board at The Amsterdam News, a post that called to mind T. Herman Zweibel, the distinguished Editor Emeritus at The Onion.
Given his lofty position at The Amsterdam News, we expected particularly clever commentary from Mr. Tatum. After all, this isn’t some ordinary hack; this is the Editor Emeritus, for crying out loud.
Upon turning to Mr. Tatum’s delicate opinion piece “Tookie, how soon they forget,” we realized that we would not be disappointed. If we may put this in the form of an analogy, Mr. Tatum is to smarts what Hitler was to philo-Semitism. Sounds good, eh?
The piece in question, as you might well imagine, dilates on the recent execution of Stanley “Tookie” Williams, the brutal thug and Crips-founder who was convicted of killing four people. Numerous “well-intentioned” paleo-liberals argued that Mr. Willimas did not deserve his sentence, because he had written a couple of children’s books with anti-violent messages. You’ll get no argument from us on that. (We wonder, however, how many children’s books with anti-violent messages his four victims have penned since he killed them.)
Mr. Tatum, naturally, was in the Free Tookie camp. Here is a choice bit from his outstanding editorial:
Tookie's gone. Yes, Tookie's gone one more round. Tookie's gone.
How much he meant or should have meant to you, me, or Black America will never be certain, but this is certain: Tookie is gone.
It is so interesting, his mood when he died, as he tried to guide the technicians to the right place on his arm in which to insert the needle. He was helpful, even to the last.
But more than that, angry; even in his final hour the authorities could not get it right.
We do not believe for a moment that Tookie Williams killed those he was accused of killing. They cannot say, ''Tookie did not kill me''; therefore, he is fodder.
To be used for such purposes has no real value, and Tookie died as he pretty much lived - as something to be set upon and discarded. The state of California, through an idiot named Arnold Schwarzenegger, killed a human being because he was told by legal authorities that Williams had killed others, and as result, the law of our land dictated that he should die.
This idiot of a governor who had authority, but could not say, ''I saw him do it, or I couldn't prove he did it,'' chose not to exercise his authority like a human being might, and took Tookie Williams into that great getting-up morning.
Now, let’s see if we can get this impeccable logic straight. We must home in on this particularly impressive sentence: “The state of California, through an idiot named Arnold Schwarzenegger, killed a human being because he was told by legal authorities that Williams had killed others….”
First, we suppose we should note that Mr. Tatum, in this expert locution, has mistakenly referred to California as “he.” Perhaps this is a blunder that even the “idiot” Governor Schwarzenegger wouldn’t make?
But we were far more appalled by the moronic reasoning implied in the passage as a whole. Mr. Tatum appears to be arguing that a governor should not allow a criminal to be executed unless he himself witnesses the criminal’s actions. So, according to Mr. Tatum, criminals should only face the death penalty if the governor catches them in the act. How eminently reasonable.
We should note, however, that Mr. Tatum is not some sort of pacifist. He doesn’t seem to object to the killing of the noble (or is that Nobel) “Tookie” Williams as the result of some sort of anti-violence crusade. Rather, he wants hardened black criminals spared and all white people killed. As he lovingly puts it at the end of his piece: “we should kill all those MF’s.” Again, how eminently reasonable.
Is there any way that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can nominate Wilbert A. Tatum for governor of California? That way, the state would finally have an elected representative who isn’t an “idiot.”
