Other Christmas-Time Wars

Anyone suitably lucky to check out the festival of erudition known as The O’Reilly Factor knows that the show’s eponymous host is in a lather about the so-called War on Christmas (henceforth, WOC). According to Mr. O’Reilly, our beloved country is about three “Happy Holidays” greetings away from throwing Christians to the lions.

Naturally, the Catholic and Protestant members of the crack young staff are duly alarmed by the WOC, and by the apocalyptic scenarios it will undoubtedly bring. Except for the Unitarians, of course: As far as we can intuit, they worship three cats named Carl, and aren’t terribly concerned about the likelihood of being confused with real Christians.

Anyway, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were contemplating the horrors of WOC, and a disturbing—and disturbingly multicultural—thought occurred to us: What about other possible Christmas-Time Wars? Surely the “Happy Holidays” plague isn’t merely marring Christmas? What about the other religious and pseudo-religious holidays?

And it seems, dear reader, as if we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quartelry,” were the first to notice this ancillary danger in the WOC. It appears as if the Winter Solstice lobby isn’t as strong as the Christian lobby (or, as our radical friends would put it, the Zionist lobby), and thus our country is not home to a Winter Solstice version of the enraged Mr. O’Reilly.

That is to say, until now. In today’s humble “post,” dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aim to mention a few other Holiday Season Wars, which have not received as much attention, but which are equally vexing to the fabric of our nation.

The War on Hanukkah

Unfortunately, dear reader, the Warriors against Hanukkah have made great strides in recent years—ever since “Seinfeld” was cancelled, in fact. It’s getting to the point that one can no longer say “dradel” in public; rather, one must refer to “a boring top imbued with unknown religious import.”

As if this weren’t bad enough, numerous Americans, Middle Easterners, Asians, and Europeans have extended their War on Hanukkah to a more expansive War on Jews (which is deceptively labeled a War on Zionism). Interestingly, although numerous Americans, Middle Easterners, Asians, and Europeans believe that fundamentalist Christians are bigots, they are among the very least susceptible to this War on Jews. Perhaps to our friends on the Left and atavistic Right anti-Semitism isn’t bigotry?

The War on Kwanzaa

As if the War on Hanukkah weren’t sufficiently upsetting, the War on Kwanzaa is positively devastating. These days, the typical Kwanzaa reveler is so oppressed that he can’t announce his hatred of whitey in public. What is the world coming to? Or, for the grammatical sticklers among us, to what is the world coming?

If the War on Kwanzaa becomes even more entrenched, we may see the state execute Kwanzaa enthusiasts merely because they murder four people in cold blood and co-found the Crips—and even though they write a few heart-wrenching children’s books about it. Maybe Louis Farrakhan and we are not the only ones who are alarmed by this prospect.