August 17, 2004
Announcing “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” First
Announcing “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” First Annual Stupidest Lyric in Rock Music History Contest:
Yesterday, one of the senior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—was strolling through his local supermarket, hunting for circus peanuts and beef jerky. As he wandered down the aisles, he noticed that a particularly offensive ditty sung by Whitney Houston was playing in the background.This tune started, he thought, with what surely must be the most insipid lyric in the history of what Little Richard calls “Rock-n-Roll,” and Tom Lehrer more reasonably refers to as “children’s music.”
Whitney warbled: “I believe that children are the future…”
Chronologically speaking, is there anyone who disagrees with her? Does anyone think that, say, sexagenarians are the future? Way to go out on a limb, Whitney. If you could only get that husband of yours out of rehab, we’d be really impressed with you.
The discussion regarding this pathetic lyric made us wonder: Is this truly the stupidest line in the history of rock-n-roll music (pardon the oxymoron)? Although we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been in numerous department stores, and have therefore been subjected to countless rock songs, we aren’t sure whether Ms. Houston’s expatiation on children as the future merits such opprobrium.
For instance, there’s a horrid line in Elton John’s “Your Song.” Whilst discussing all the things he would give to his object of affection, depending on what job he held, Mr. John croons:
If I was [sic] a sculptor—but then again, no
That’s mighty foolish too. After all, the second time Sir Elton sang this feculent number, he’d ditch that lyric.
After (literally) minutes of in-house reflection on this topic, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” decided to allow our readers to weigh in on the matter. As such, we are pleased as peaches to announce:
“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” First Annual Stupidest Lyric in Rock Music History Contest:
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly invite submissions of unspeakably awful rock music lyrics, so that we may determine the worst line in rock music history. Granted, bad lyrics in rock music aren’t exactly unexpected; in fact, calling rock music bad reminds us of the Firesign Theatre’s “Department of Redundancy Department.” Still, though we detest rock music, we are certain that some examples are even more nauseating than others.
We must, however, establish a few ground-rules for our contest. Entrants must send their submissions to us (via the “Contact Us” link found at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen) by September 9th, 2004, 5:00pm EST. In addition, the lyrics in question must be from albums actually recorded, and must be available on-line from some “rock lyric website.” So, if your first cousin is in a band called “Horace Tilson and the Hot Rat Pasties,” you can’t send in a line from their thoroughly unheralded song “Sister Vampire.”
The winning entrant will have his selection published in a future edition of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” and will bask in the luminous glow of Internet fame. He—or she—shall receive all kinds of kudos from the crack young staff.
So, dear reader, what are you waiting for? Break open all those old Dave Clark Five albums, and get to work.
