August 18, 2004

Losing the Aryan Race Every

Losing the Aryan Race

Every once in a while, the Official Statistics Department here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” checks up on the visitors to our humble “weblog.” Don’t fret, dear reader; there’s nothing even faintly Orwellian about our Official Statistics Department. It merely endeavors to discover what kind of dear readers enjoy our hysterical musings—and record their comings and goings in minute detail. Now, don’t you feel better?

Anyway, a few days ago, the Official Team Leader of the Official Statistics Department—let’s just call him “Chip”—alerted us to something rather alarming. Upon examining the search words used by visitors to our “website” who came from Google, this intrepid Team Leader found that one of our readers linked to our “weblog” via the search words “Bush the Jew-Lover.”

It turns out that this reader—whoever he or she may be—was strolling through the World-Wide Web, attempting to look up Aryan supremacist propaganda. As such, he found our post discussing potential titles for I-Hate-George-Bush polemics. It seems, however, that said reader didn’t come to our “weblog” expecting the term “Bush the Jew-Lover” to be used in irony.

So we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” felt rather horrid indeed. Our highbrow attempts at humor have apparently ushered in some rather lowly characters to our “weblog.”

Although our regular readers know that we are not fans of sanctimonious preaching, we feel as if this disgraceful character has somehow sullied our lily-white “weblog.” Well, perhaps that wasn’t the best turn of phrase.

Thus, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have decided to use today’s edition of our humble “weblog” as an exercise in lambasting the feculent monstrosities known variously as neo-Nazis, Aryan racists, white supremacists, &c.

Before we begin our excoriation, however, we must inform our readers that about 47 percent of the crack young staff belongs to what Joseph Goebbels and Pat Buchanan would characterize as the Aryan race. They’ve got all the telltale signs of Aryan racehood: Button noses; Lotus Esprits; trust funds; non-kosher beef franks.

Nor, dear reader, are these crack young Aryans a passel of self-hating whiteys. Why, just the other day, they enjoyed some mayonnaise. As a result, no one can argue that today’s posting is merely an example of what our friends on the Left refer to as “internalizing the oppressor.”

With all that preamble out of the way, we can begin in earnest. Have you ever noticed, dear reader, that the people who are the noisiest cheerleaders for the Aryan race are usually the worst examples of it? Pretty odd, is it not?

In addition, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have a hunch that members of the elusive Aryan race—the world’s masterful conquerors—were not the ancestors of a gaggle of mullet-wearing, wife-beating fascists. We could be wrong about this—we’ve been wrong in the past. (For instance, we had no idea that Dennis Kucinich wasn’t going to win the Democratic nomination for President. Who would have thunk it?) Still, we are left with the distinct impression that the elusive Aryans—the swashbuckling speakers of Indo-European—wouldn’t be caught dead with such closely cropped haircuts.

And this leads us to our Official Position on White Supremacy: We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are against it. Yes, yes, we know: We’ve gone out on a heck of a limb. But that’s what differentiates us from more tepid “weblogs”: We’re willing to make the moral stands from which others shy away.

So, dear reader, today’s edition of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” was a two-for-one offer: Not only did it present its sundry readers with manifold yuks, it also taught them that racism was wrong.

Perhaps we should make bumper stickers that read: “Everything I know I learned from the crack young staff.” Nah: We detest bumper stickers almost as much as we hate racists.

Posted at August 18, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack