August 16, 2004

Amazon Women on the Move

Amazon Women on the Move

Imagine the following scenario, dear reader: You have just landed a new job in Hoboken (NJ), and need to move all of your belongings from Dover (DE) to your new digs in New Jersey. You have collected so much junk over the years at your job as a javelin catcher that you require the services of a moving company. It’s 3:30 in the morning, and the move absolutely must be accomplished by 10:30 am.

Oh, one more thing: The team of movers you plan to hire must be entirely female.

Gee, how many times has this happened to you, dear reader? If you’re anything like us, about a billion times—give or take a billion.

But don’t worry; help is on the way. Recently, a correspondent from our Santa Cruz (CA) office sent us an unusual business card. The card, which features a tiny silhouette of a bikini-clad woman flexing her biceps, offers the following information:

Strong Female Movers
Van or Truck
Sensative [sic] Touch
Available 24/7
Sliding Scale
Satisfaction Assured

Now we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t want to belabor our readers with obvious questions, but we simply can’t let this one go: Who in his (or her) right mind would insist on female movers? How many Kate Millet books do you have to read to sink to this level of über-feminism?

We can’t vouch for anyone else, but when we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” move from Point A to Point B, our major--nay, our only--concern is that we employ a dutiful and inexpensive moving company. Thoughts of gender—whether it is, as our feminists friends say, a “social construct” or not—never even cross our minds.

Does anyone really believe that female movers will show a more “sensative” touch with a stack of Ms. magazines? Can’t a gaggle of guys just as easily cart copies of Andrea Dworkin screeds? In addition, if we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were a passel of radical feminists, we might enjoy putting a bunch of guys to work. Serves the sexist oppressors right, eh ladies?

So, regardless of Amazon Movers’ “sensative” touch, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have very simple guidelines for potential moving companies: Don’t ask, don’t spell.

Posted at August 16, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack