August 25, 2004

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Back-to-School

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Back-to-School Week: Day the Third—“Diversity”

In our last two posts, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” introduced you to two key components of the American college student’s life: Drinking games and freshman orientation. Today, we continue with our festive romp through the four years of binge drinking we call higher education.

And we could hardly discuss a term of greater import than today’s topic. In fact, we shall be so bold as to claim that this term is the most crucial word in the vocabulary of the contemporary academic. No, dear reader; not “tenure.” And certainly not “discursive.” We’re talking about a real heavy-hitter—the kind of word that has talismanic power in contemporary academe.

For those of you who did not trouble yourselves to read the entire title of today’s edition of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” allow us to inform you that we are talking about “diversity.”

And what, you may ask, is “diversity”? First, we should note that it is the word most often used by current college administrators. Including “and” and “the.”

As such, the word “diversity” often seems much like the word “smurf” according to those lovable blue characters known as Smurfs. It’s a kind of all-purpose word: The Smurfs may say that “This is really smurfy,” whereas administrators will opine that “This is not sufficiently diverse.” That sort of thing.

Still, you may say to yourself, we are no closer to a definition of this slippery term. What does “diversity” mean?

Well, dear reader, all college students with an ounce of wisdom (i.e., roughly three of them) realize that “diversity” most assuredly does not refer to any kind of spectrum of opinions regarding intellectual matters: As befits an institution of higher learning (in Saudi Arabia), colleges do not allow a whole assortment of politically incorrect (read: right-leaning) ideas on campus. Being a conservative on today’s college campus is sort of like joining the army: It’s something that people just don’t do.

Instead, “diversity” appears to refer to an assortment of people of disparate hues and genders—all of whom hold fast to certain core shibboleths. Accordingly, college student in-the-know can easily ascertain the hidden message to be found in all sorts of flyers strewn about campus.

For instance, a poster that reads:

Proudly Presents a Panel Discussing the Virtues of Diversity

translates to “Come hear a passel of the most occupationally privileged people in the Western hemisphere attempt to guilt-trip white liberal administrators into offering the Black Studies Department even more lavish perquisites.”

Does this kind of ploy work, you may ask? Well, why not have eminent socialist philosopher-cum-six-figure academic huckster Cornel West answer that question for you?

Posted at August 25, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack