“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Back-to-School

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Back-to-School Week: Day the Second—College Orientation

Today’s edition of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” however, tackles a far more fleeting portion of one’s academic career—a ritual that is usually only visited upon freshmen, transfer students, and other assorted ne’er-do-wells. We refer, of course, to orientation.

Some superannuated readers of our humble “weblog” may be asking themselves: What the heck is “orientation”? Is that some sort of “transgender” thing? To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: No, old timer; orientations are the few short days in which college administrators introduce incoming students to the glories and dangers of college life.

Sounds pretty reasonable, you say. And, indeed, as college amounts to the period of time during which most students are first living apart from their mothers and/or fathers, an orientation session is reasonable. Having been thrust into a new environment, students need to learn all kinds of essential informational tidbits: For instance, the lady who will be cleaning up your vomit will no longer be your mother, but some illegal alien who doesn’t even make minimum wage. That sort of thing.

Immediately upon embarking upon one’s college orientation, however, today’s pupil finds that those in charge of this three-day boot camp have no interest in such quotidian details. Rather, the chieftains of orientation sessions—who are often “college orientation professionals”—have much bigger fish to fry, much bigger oxen to gore.

In fact, ever since our friends on the New Left began what Antonio Gramsci referred to as “the long march through the institutions,” college orientations have served to welcome 18-year-olds to school by means of informing them of a few important facts:

1. White males are ineluctably evil. Anyone who belongs to this oppressor class is a disgraceful collaborator in such malign phenomena as “institutional racism,” “institutional sexism,” and “imperialism.”
2. College is a place to explore all kinds of ideas—if by “all kinds of ideas” one refers only to officially sanctioned left-leaning opinions.
3. Eleven out of every ten college females are raped by the time of their sophomore year.

Welcome to college, kiddies! Doesn’t it sound like fun? In order to ensure that students become suitably brainwashed regarding these key topics, the commissars of college orientations will normally compel students to read some sort of radical partisan screed: A work by, say, Howard Zinn or bell hooks.

Here, of course, is exactly where college administrators begin to lose their battle to force-feed leftist dogma down the throats of unsuspecting students: Most American college students don’t know how to read.