“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Back-to-School

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Back-to-School Week: Day the Fourth—Dating Tips for College Girls

Need we remind you, however, that roughly 47 percent of the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” is of the feminine persuasion. And we’re not even including Carl. Although we haven’t asked them, we are reasonably certain that the women on our staff would not be offended by a reference to “college girls.” If one is incapable of uttering a sentence without repeating the word “like” 10,000 times, one isn’t exactly a fully mature woman, now is one?

But we digress. Today’s edition of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” is designed to acquaint our readers—both male and female—with some pertinent dating tips for the weaker sex’s years in higher education. So pay attention, ladies: These are crucial bits of advice for those of you about to head off to school. In fact, college gals need to know these rules as much as they require an entire Abercrombie & Fitch wardrobe. Skip out on this edition of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” ladies, and you might as well shop for your clothes at the nearest branch of the Salvation Army.

Alright, alright, you say: We understand that these tips are fundamental. Now get on with it. To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: As you ordered.

There are a couple of hard-and-fast rules to which college gals must always adhere. Allegiance to these rules is compulsory; failure to follow them inevitably entails the college equivalent of excommunication.

First, college girls must realize that they are in a stage of their lives in which they are young and capricious. Accordingly, there is no need—we repeat: No need—to find a match who will be at all suitable for later life. Finding a husband in college (which used to be labeled “obtaining an Mrs. Degree”), is becoming the new version of marrying one’s high school sweetheart: Only dirty slack-jawed yokels do such things.

As such, today’s college girls must make sure that they choose disastrously inappropriate people to date. (By “date,” of course, we mean “have repeated sexual encounters.” We collectively weren’t born yesterday, you know.) The more unsuitable the character, the better. Any college boy who appears to be headed anywhere else than a suite at the Betty Ford Clinic is strictly off limits.

In addition to choosing a terrible mate, college girls must make sure that they keep up the fiction that their choices are not as catastrophically abysmal as they are. They must repeat the following tired mantra: “I just want a guy with a good sense of humor.” For some reason, a “sense of humor” among college girls translates to “cocaine addiction,” or “penchant for cheating on women,” or “hankering for offering physical abuse.”

So, dear reader, now that you have learned our Official College Girl Dating Tips, you can answer the following quiz.

Teresa, a pretty college lass, can date either Alan or Thor. Here are the essential biographical facts about them:

Alan: Economics major; friendly; charming; good with children; not a member of a fraternity; good sense of humor; boring; favorite rock group: Dave Matthew’s Band (“They, like, totally are cool”); favorite actor: Tom Hanks.

Thor: Alcoholic; womanizer; often seen urinating in bushes outside his dorm at 3:00am; abrasive; demanding; abusive; looks like Fabio and Yanni’s love child; favorite author: Anyone writing in to Penthouse Forum; favorite rock group: Dave Matthew’s Band (“They, like, totally are cool”).

So, dear reader, if you were Teresa, whom would you choose?

It looks like it’s going to be a lonely four years for Alan.