October 14, 2004

In Search of More Readers:

In Search of More Readers: A Dirty Scheme

At the latest crack young staff meeting, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were delighted to find that our humble “weblog,” unlike Wink Martindale, has an ever-growing fan base. Clearly, the crack young staff is as crack as ever.

Yet we still feel as if we can do better. After all, self-confidence is what America is all about. It’s kind of like the French version of capitulation.

As a result, at the aforementioned staff meeting, the Official Ideas Department of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” was frantically searching for ways to increase our already impressive readership. One fellow—let’s just call him “Chip”—suggested that we make the “weblog” funnier. Another fellow—let’s just call him “Chip”—suggested that we make the “weblog” more insightful.

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” responded: Fat chance. We’re already using every ounce of God-given talent we’ve got; we’re actually putting in that elusive 110 percent.

Since it seemed unlikely that we would wake up one day with massive amounts of previously undiscovered talent, we honed in on a cheaper—and easier—way to lure the folks in.

It collectively occurred to us that well nigh everyone who peruses the World-Wide Web is lustily in search of pornography. In fact, you, dear reader, may be the only person currently using the Internet who is not logged on to www.hot-asian-teens.com. And we thank you for it.

As a result, the Official Ideas Department happened upon a brilliant strategy: Offer a post chock-a-block with pornographic vocabulary, and unknowing “web-browsers,” having headed to Google or some other search engine, will head to our “weblog,” unaware that it is pretty much the only “website” that doesn’t offer pornographic content. Pretty soon, we’ll get more hits than Gerry Cooney.

Naturally, this idea, as clever as it is, seriously irked our Official Decency Department. After all, “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” enjoys offering a Family Circus-esque brand of Eisenhower-era humor. We’d like to think that you could read our “weblog” to your children at night—provided you mumble a lot.

After much a-fightin’ and a-fussin’, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” finally won over our Official Decency Department. We can’t tell you how we did it, but let’s just say that it takes bribes. As Alanis Morissette might say, how ironic.

So, dear reader, if you are not 18 years old (or 21 years old, depending on which state you inhabit), please exit our humble “weblog” in favor of more appropriately puerile fare—like Maureen Dowd’s columns. For we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are punch drunk to present:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Listing of Pornographic Words in an Intrepid Attempt to Lure Unsuspecting Randy Internet-Strollers into Checking out Our Humble “Weblog”:

Delta Burke
George C. Scott

Well, dear reader, that ought to do it. Soon we’ll be bigger than Ron Jeremy.

Posted at October 14, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack