October 18, 2004

Taking Back Valentine’s Day Many

Taking Back Valentine’s Day

Many readers of this humble “weblog” will no doubt be aware of The Vagina Monologues, a feculent piece of feminist agitprop that masquerades as a play. Written by the eerily untalented Eve Ensler, The Vagina Monologues is something of a feminist marketing coup—kind of like Tampax, only less comfortable.

In recent years, this wretched piece of pseudo-empowering theater has become all the rage across college campuses. Nary a Valentine’s Day goes by without a performance of this self-celebration of the weaker sex’s erogenous zones. Never mind the fact that the play glorifies a sexual relationship between a woman and an underage child; statutory rape is fine and dandy, provided it’s in step with the political Left.

Outside the purlieus of academia, meanwhile, many a famous celebrity (or semi-famous celebrity) has jumped at the chance to play a part in The Vagina Monologues. Such well-known women as Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Streisand, and Wayne Newton have taken on roles in Eve Ensler’s mawkish piece of propaganda.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” find The Vagina Monologues sickeningly pandering. The approximately 47 percent of the crack young staff that is female is irked that Eve Ensler’s graceless piece of nonsense would somehow come off as deeply “empowering” to women. For The Vagina Monologues makes Cats seem like Hamlet.

Previously, women just waxed their private parts; now they’re waxing poetic about them.

Yet, no matter how often nay-sayers take Eve Ensler to the carpet (so to say), her exercise in theatrical puerility just grows stronger and stronger. As H.L. Menken once said, no one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. Apparently, muster up a handful of slang synonyms for “vagina” and you’ve got yourself a runaway hit.

This has all led us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” to throw our collective hands in the air and offer the anti-Ralph Nader line of reasoning: If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

After all, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are certainly playwrights as tin-eared and inept as Ms. Ensler. Actually, given the fact that most of us are literate, our writing is markedly superior to hers. Why can’t we cash in on some faux empowerment? Why can’t we get our own piece of the pie (so to say)? Don’t men require their own version of Ms. Ensler’s sexual sermons?

We certainly think so. And thus we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are pleased to present the answer to The Vagina Monologues:

The Penis Prologues
A New Play by The Crack Young Staff of "The Hatemonger’s Quarterly"

Hey, fellahs, are you sick and tired of being left out of feminist sexual pandering? Don’t you think that men should be proud of their, well, manhood? Don’t you love horribly constructed pseudo-theater with a moral message so obvious that it can be gleaned by the average squirrel?

If you answered yes to any of the aforementioned questions, you’ll just love our new play, “The Penis Prologues.” Take your sweetheart to this play and, if Freud was right, she’ll be pink with envy.

Featuring a semi-all-star cast:

U.S. Senator Dick Armey
Clarence Thomas
NASCAR sensation Dick Trickle
Janet Reno
and a bit part played by Pee-Wee Herman

Sponsored by Gold Bond Powder, Vlasic Pickles and Pork, “The Other White Meat.”

Look at what the critics are saying:

“The Penis Prologues offers a long, hard look into the world of the male sex drive.”
--Rex Reed

“Two John Thomases up—way up!—for The Penis Prologues!”
--Ebert & Roper

“We are not amused.”
--NOW Spokeswoman

And coming soon: "The Hermaphroditic Harangues."

Posted at October 18, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack