December 17, 2004
Kofi Annan Among the more
Kofi Annan
Among the more bizarre stories we’ve heard in recent weeks, dear reader, is the news that the Bush administration and über-hawk John McCain have officially expressed confidence in Kofi Annan, the feculent Secretary-General of the United Nations. In fact, this was so astounding that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” wondered if Messrs. Bush and McCain remembered who Kofi Annan is: He’s the little African fellow who keeps on screwing things up.Just in case President Bush and Senator McCain require a refresher course, let us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” offer a potted introduction to the career of Mr. Annan, who is surely the very personification of incompetence and pusillanimity.
Mr. Annan played key roles in the UN’s horrendous misadventures in Rwanda, Srebrenica, and the Middle East. Although he is deeply suspicious of the Israelis (who have the temerity to desire to exist), Mr. Annan has few concerns about such peaceable organizations as Hezbollah. In fact, if it weren’t for the Stern Gang, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” would suggest that Mr. Annan has never heard of a terrorist organization he couldn’t love.
And let’s not forget this whole Oil-for-Food scam, shall we, Messrs. Bush and McCain? It turns out that Mr. Annan’s family had something of a monetary interest in allowing Saddam to stay in power.
On top of all that, he named his son Kojo—an appellative so ridiculous it would make Frank Zappa cringe.
In short, Kofi Annan is the white Neville Chamberlain. He’s Jimmy Carter with a better accent. He’s such a blithering fool and a moral coward that he makes one almost pine for the glory days of the UN under Alger Hiss. Now there’s a guy with some standards.
But perhaps we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are actually coming to an incorrect conclusion; perhaps Messrs. Bush and McCain remember exactly who Kofi Annan is, but cannot recall the meaning of the word “confidence.” That surely would explain what would seem to be their quizzical reactions to this Busch-League Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
If so, dear reader, allow us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” to pull out the official staff copy of Webster’s Mightily Abridged Collegiate Dictionary. Turning to the word “confidence,” we find the following: “faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way.” Even Kofi Annan’s wife probably doesn’t have that kind of faith in him. Frankly, if we were her, we would have slept with Kurt Waldheim years ago.
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” wouldn’t trust Kofi Annan for an afternoon with a bowl full of sea monkeys. By the time 5:00pm rolled around, good ole’ Kofi would have been powerless to stop the Islamist sea monkeys from terrorizing the others.
In fact, by around 4:00pm, Mr. Annan would have adopted a feckless UN Resolution that would guarantee his “impartiality” whilst the terrorist sea monkeys raped and killed the peaceful ones.
Perhaps the stumbling Mr. Annan merely requires a slogan—something that will compel our cynical age to embrace this dribbling buffoon who’s spent his career coddling terrorists and ensuring that massacres occur without any hitches. May we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly suggest the following?:
Kofi Annan: He’s Got All of U Thant’s Good Looks and Paris Hilton’s Good Sense.
Lucky for him it isn’t the other way around.
