January 04, 2005

The Lil’ One Isn’t So

The Lil’ One Isn’t So Lil’

Americans are, for lack of a better word, fat. With the exception of college-aged gals—who are too busy vomiting to be heavy—pretty much every citizen (and illegal alien) in these here United States has the body of John Goodman.

As we have been instructed by countless fitness gurus and exercise shysters, we Americans are essentially one Pringle away from a massive aneurysm. It appears as if a lifestyle according to which changing the television channels on a remote control counts as “exercise” isn’t conducive to well-being. Who would have thunk it?

Pretty soon, that Al Roker fat-guy surgery will be a rite of passage for all Americans.

Now we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aren’t dilating on the obesity problem in America in order to suck up to sniggering Europeans, who are only too delighted to hear that we are not as slim and trim as they. Far from it. Americans may be a bit hefty, but the French aren’t exactly experts in the world of personal hygiene. So, before our European friends pat themselves on the back for their comparative slenderness, they ought to realize that it is difficult to consider yourself impressively cosmopolitan without taking a shower now and again.

Anway, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” bring this subject up in the first place because one Jamie Stengle of the Associated Press has offered an interesting story about it. The article’s title pretty much says it all: “Obesity Sharply Up Among the Very Young: Epidemic Affects 2- to 5-Year-Olds.” It argues:

The obesity epidemic is reaching down to the playpen: More than 10 percent of US children ages 2 to 5 are overweight, the American Heart Association reported yesterday.

In an effort to utter the most unintelligible comment on this fact, Dr. Robert H. Eckel, president-elect of the American Heart Association, declared:

"These statistics are not anything but alarming."

Thanks, good doctor. You are not anything but inarticulate.

This story made us wonder, dear reader: Why are so many toddlers in the good ole’ US of A so darn hefty? Has Gerbers come up with cookie-dough flavored baby food? Is this all the result of McDonalds new McTeething campaign?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” would like to answer these questions, but we just heard the ice-cream truck go by, and we’re going to head outside and gorge ourselves instead.

Posted at January 4, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack