January 18, 2005

The Morals of a Nation

The Morals of a Nation

As pretty much every sentient person in these here United States of America knows, political pundits have been blathering on about the cardinal import “moral values” played in the recent presidential election. To believe the editorial page of The New York Times—not to mention the talking heads on CNN—most Americans will vote for Benito Mussolini, provided he’s suitably opposed to gay marriage.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” feel as if this conclusion is a wee bit overstated: Americans would never vote for Mussolini—because he was bald.

In addition, we are slightly confused by the notion that the majority of Americans are a collection of budding Norman Vincent Peales. We don’t want to come across as a bunch of cynics, but we find this conclusion farfetched.

Allow us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” to demonstrate our point.

Recently, a junior editor here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—searched the “personal ads” in the pages of his local newspaper. Just for research purposes, of course; “Chip” gets more women than Michael Dukakis.

Anyway, a section curiously titled “Variations” contained a few advertisements that do much to describe the moral fervor of sundry Americans. Below you’ll find a sampling, to which we have affixed our own humble commentary:

Married WM…
Seeks married WF, 35-50, for afternoon encounters. Must be clean, discreet, D/D-free.

Indeed, discretion is a very good quality to possess—if you’re game on cheating on your hubby with a married man. We haven’t any idea why this WM requires a married woman who is Dungeons & Dragons-free. Doesn’t he like nerdy chicks?

Secret Lover
Married WM, ISO, [sic] married/SWF, whose sexual needs and wants are unfulfilled at home like mine, and would like a friend, lover and confident [sic], who enjoys pleasing a woman, very discrete.

It seems as if everyone is discreet these days! May we be so bold as to suggest that this fellow would be better off finding an English tutor, who would fulfill all of his grammatical needs and wants?

Two Women at Once
Married male, 55, would like to try to satisfy two women at the same time. Looking for someone very discreet because my wife wouldn’t understand.

This poor sod has such a heartless wife; she simply doesn’t sympathize with his desire to satisfy two adulterers at the same time. What a wench.

Is it just we, or does it strike you, dear reader, as if this guy has taken out a “personal ad” that smacks a bit of “wishful thinking”?

MWM for Masculine Men
Married WM, 40+, good-looking, in shape, looking for a bud to get together with on a regular basis. You must be masculine, clean and have a place. Open to servicing you.

We know what you’re thinking, dear reader: He doesn’t want someone discreet? What’s he thinking?

Are you one of the 43% of married woman [sic] in an unfulfilled marriage? WM with same problem seeks mutually beneficial situation, H/W-proportionate, N/S, 30-55. Let’s meet for coffee.

Where did this fellow get his statistics? Oddly, his “43% of married woman [sic]” statistic doesn’t have a footnote attached to it. Since we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are collectively height/weight-proportionate (except for Ted: He’s a real fatty), we guess we’ll meet this guy for coffee and find out.

Posted at January 18, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack