We Do Not Belong at

We Do Not Belong at Applebee’s

Pretty much every car dealership, for example, boasts poorly manufactured ads that ineluctably feature the area’s soul-deadening regional accent. For some reason, one is not allowed to own an automobile dealership without possessing the most depressing drawl imaginable.

Yet surely our friends at Applebee’s restaurants have taken the horrid advertisement cake with their abominable television spots.

First, we must note that their dimwitted slogans are almost always painfully ungrammatical. Take, for instance, “Eating Good in the Neighborhood.” Let us forget for a moment the fact that “Riblets” do not count as “eating good” under any circumstances.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have personally witnessed numerous starving Ethiopians who steadfastly refused to eat “Riblets.” They would prefer to resort to cannibalism. But we digress.

Was the internal rhyme in “Eating Good in the Neighborhood” so sublime that it makes up for this slogan’s wretched misuse of an adjective? We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t mean to be preachy, but we collectively think not.

And then, dear reader, there’s the matter of Applebee’s purloining of rock-n-roll oldies for its ads. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are steadfast opponents of rock-n-roll—to such an extent, in fact, that we howl with laughter any time someone whines about the ways in which cover versions of Led Zeppelin tunes amount to cultural calamities.

As far as we’re concerned, Led Zeppelin is to culture what Tori Spelling is to acting.

Even so, dear reader, it is very difficult not to feel bad for the Turtles, whose song “So Happy Together” Applebee’s converted into the feculent ditty: “And So There’s Steak and Shrimp, and Shrimp and Steak….” If a cover version of a rock song could be labeled treasonous, this would be it.

Naturally, a song has to be very, very bad to make us sympathize with the Turtles.

But let us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” not simply fixate on the television spots that Applebee’s runs. There’s something far more substantive about which to complain: The food.

If you head to your local Applebee’s, you will soon notice that everyone there is outrageously fat. And no wonder: The victuals for sale are nothing but deep-fried garbage. The place is kind of like a landlubber’s Red Lobster.

In fact, Applebee’s is so atrocious that if it were discovered that its staff—like the morons at Denny’s—refused to seat black patrons, it should be sued by whites. After all, nothing beats not eating at Applebee’s.