January 25, 2005
Reflections on the “Pottery Barn
Reflections on the “Pottery Barn Rule”
As almost every sentient person in these here United States realizes, Colin Powell’s spell as Secretary of State has terminated. Against the wishes of Senator John Kerry and the mild-mannered objections of Senator Barbara Boxer, Powell’s replacement is all set to take over.This has all made us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” reflect on the impressive intellectual patrimony of General Powell. More specifically, it has compelled a few of our staffers—let’s just call them “Chip”—who had trekked to the local mall, to dilate on Powell’s oft-cited “Pottery Barn rule” of military affairs. Whilst a couple of junior staffers snacked on Aunt Anne’s pretzels, they could not help but ponder the significance of the “Pottery Barn rule.”
You remember the rule, dear reader: “You break it, you own it.” Very cheeky, is it not? Undoubtedly, the pithy nature of this quasi-humorous slogan has incited umpteen talking heads to cite it incessantly.
And this, dear reader, got us to thinking: How unfair that Pottery Barn gets all this publicity! After all, as stated, the “Pottery Barn rule” would be more aptly titled the “Crate & Barrel rule”; the latter establishment is well nigh a retail obstacle course.
Accordingly, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” found ourselves deeply distressed by the name of this new military law. We pined to give other American establishments the opportunity to have a clever law named after them. This, surely, would help jump-start the economy just like President Bush’s temporary-cum-permanent tax cuts did.
Without further ado, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are therefore pleased as petulant pigs to present:
The Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Variations on the “Pottery Barn Rule”:
1. The Pier-1 Imports Rule: “You Sit on It, You Break It, Since It’s Inevitably Made of Wicker.”
2. The Sharper Image Rule: “You Break It, You Pretend You Didn’t, and Then You Blame the Next Guy Who Fiddles with It.”
3. The Body Shop Rule: “You Break It, and Then You Use It for Animal Testing.”
4. The Benetton Rule: “You Break It, and Then You Caterwaul against the Death Penalty.”
5. The Marshalls Rule: “You Break It, You Buy It, But at Least It Was Cheap.”
6. The Brookstone Rule: [See The Sharper Image Rule. It’s the same.]
7. The Abercrombie & Fitch Rule: “You Break It, You Buy It, and Then You Glory in Homoerotic Kiddie Porn Advertisiing.”
8. The Orange Julius Rule: “You Go Bankrupt.”
