Social Lubricant We, the crack

Social Lubricant

Frankly, we’re just too grizzled to get excited about, say, an idiotic statement made by, say, Barbara Boxer.

Yet there was something about an article from the Tuesday, January 25 number of the storied Durham Herald-Sun that struck us as special. Titled “Duke Party Busted,” the piece begins with an interesting query:

What do you get when you cross a fraternity house, a kiddie pool, a few hundred students and several bottles of baby oil?

Why, that’s a darn fine question, we thought to ourselves. What could the answer be? And then we checked the article’s kicker: “Several bikini-clad coeds head for hills in freezing weather on Buchanan Blvd.”

For those of you blissfully unacquainted with the modern university student, allow us to inform you of what this all means. Well, actually, we don’t think we can do any better than Durham Police Sgt. D. Gunter, who helped break up the colloquy of Duke University undergraduates:

“Inside were several of America’s future, re-enacting a scene from the movie ‘Old School,’ where females wrestle in a pool of lubricants.”

It seems as if this fraternity fete got a bit out of hand, prompting neighbors to call the cops. Upon putting a stop to the party, the local police noticed a bevy of oil-soaked females feverishly running away.

Naturally, the cops attempted to catch the females, but the latter proved too slippery. And they certainly ran fast: They didn’t have any dignity to slow them down.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” presume that this story could incite many questions from intelligent readers. Questions such as: “How in the good Lord’s name did these fraternity guys talk a bunch of coeds at Duke University into wrestling in lubricant?” Or: “Where is their next party?”

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” as our name implies, always try to look on the bright side of things. Accordingly, we want to express our relief that these students chose to imitate the film “Old School.”

After all, what do you suppose they would have done with “The Godfather”?