February 23, 2005

The Doctors Are In Some

The Doctors Are In

Some time ago, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” inaugurated an Official Advice Column. Having exhorted our colossal readership to send us an e-missive asking for personal guidance, we undertook to answer its queries, thereby offering succor and warmth to mankind.

In fact, dear reader, our humble Advice Column has helped well nigh four people. That gives us a better record than the UN.

Even so, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” think that we can do better. After all, we embarked upon the world of “weblogging” in order to make the world a better place. And for our own personal aggrandizement, of course.

As far as we can tell, we possess pretty much all of the attributes necessary for successful advice-column scribblers: Lingering neuroses; massive inferiority complexes; a shoe full of Valium.

Some of you may be saying to yourselves: The crack young staff may think it can solve the complex personal problems of its readers, but they don’t have one iota of training as psychologists. To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Who’s going to listen to you about psychological care? Aren’t you the ones talking to yourselves?

We should mention, moreover, that many so-called experts in the land of personal advice don’t possess any real qualifications for their jobs. Dr. Laura, for instance, doesn’t have a degree in psychology or psychiatry. Although we can’t quite remember, we have a hunch she has an animal husbandry background. But perhaps we’re thinking of Pauly Shore’s parents.

Anyway, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are absolutely certain that we can answer any and all questions to our readers’ satisfaction. And we have a track record to prove it: So far, we’ve helped about three people, and we haven’t been sued once. Can Michael Jackson say that? We think not.

So don’t be shy, dear reader. Take some time out of your day and compose an e-mail to us by clicking the “Contact Us” link at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen. (For our dyslexic friends, it’s on the top left-hand corner.) We, in turn, will do our absolute best to give you a helping hand. Or, failing that, some Hamburger Helper.

Write us today: You have nothing to lose except possibly your misery. Although, frankly, that’s unlikely too.

Posted at February 23, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack