Addlebrained A few days ago,

Addlebrained

We hate to beat a dead horse, mostly because it accomplishes very little. Unless you count the anaerobic exercise involved. (You can really whale on your glutes if you beat a dead horse correctly.)

In addition to having an aversion to flogging deceased steeds, we also dislike discussing the same topic more than once, mostly because it accomplishes very little. Unless, of course, you count the anaerobic exercise involved. (You can really whale on your pecs if you discuss the same topic more than once.)

Even so, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” feel it is our obligation to excoriate the drooling morons who are responsible for the adverts that appear on our site at the top of your computer screen. (Or at the bottom, if you hold your computer screen upside-down.)

Why, you may be asking yourself, does the crack staff feel so strongly about this? Well, frankly, we had hoped to retire off our advertising revenue, and, as it is right now, we aren’t exactly sitting pretty. In fact, our ads have proved such a bust that we can’t even afford a time-share in Buffalo right now. Off-season.

Indeed, dear reader, things are pretty grim. And as much as we’d love to blame you for not clicking on the links to our sponsors, we simply can’t blame you. Our sponsors are so, in a word, feculent that we can’t hold you collectively responsible.

For instance, dear reader, one of our sponsors for a given day is ineluctably a dubious company known as CafePress.com. This shady outfit appears to make the big bucks—without any Whammies—from marketing a bunch of junky T-shirts, bumper stickers, &c. In short, it’s everything the discriminating shopper does not need.

And yet sometimes it seems as if the CafePress likes to go overboard, and offer potential customers products that are not only useless, they are ridiculous.

For example, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” kindly exhort you to take a gander at this silly bumper sticker, which reads: “Iraq is Arabic for Vietnam.”

First off, we should admit that none of us has taken any Arabic. We’re more into Farsi. Even so, we are relatively certain that “Iraq” is not Arabic for “Vietnam.” In fact, from our cursory “web-browsing,” we have concluded that “Vietnam” is Arabic for “Spiro Agnew.”

Just when you thought the geniuses behind CafePress couldn’t get more obtuse, they up the ante. Take a gander at the following example of thong underwear, which reads “Lesbians Against Bush.”

What a clever double entendre! What undergarment magic!

All we must do is find a lesbian whose dislike of the Republican Party is sufficiently strong for her to wear a piece of clothing no one will see. She also has to enjoy a string up her posterior.

Hmmm. Well, that leaves out our dentist.