February 28, 2005
The Doctors Are In: Part
The Doctors Are In: Part Deux
Last week, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” announced that we were reviving our Official Advice Column feature. As we noted before, this Official Advice Column, before becoming dormant, had been of great service to circa three of our readers. As such, magnanimous humanitarians that we aren’t, we figured that we’d set up shop again.We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” want to help you. In fact, we want to help you help yourselves. In fact, we want you to allow us to help you help yourselves. In fact, we want us to want you to allow us to help you help yourselves.
It’s kind of complicated, actually.
Naturally, given our colossal readership, we immediately received a call for advice from one of our colossal readers.
The e-epistle in question comes from the curiously named Dr. Rabbi Philosopher. As far as we’re concerned, his name sounds like the beginning of a rip-roaring joke. You know: A rabbi and a philosopher walk into a bar…. We hope that his middle name is “Irishman.” That way, the gag would go: A rabbi, an Irishman, and a philosopher walk into a bar….
We’re not certain of the punch line, but it would probably be a crack at Nietzsche’s expense. Or it would make fun of the Irish as a bunch of drunks.
Anyway, his e-missive, which we have edited slightly for the purposes of cacophony, reads as follows:
Dear Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,”
I'm glad you've hung out your sign and announced that you're open for business.
I’ve got a couple of problems:
1) I'm not a rabbi.
2) I'm not a philosopher.
3) In real life, I'm a licensed psychologist who attempts to treat other people's neuroses while mine run wild and free.
4) NOBODY LISTENS TO ME! I give them diamonds and pearls (advice and wisdom) but do they take advantage of my 30 years in the business? NOOOOO! Frankly, they make me sick. They carp, complain, and cry. They ask for my advice—and then they reject it? Apparently I'm not allowed to shoot them, but they're driving me CRAZY!
So, I need your advice to deal with ALL the problems I've listed above. And, unlike my insurance-carrying clients, I'll pay attention to your wisdom and apply it appropriately to my life.
Yours &c.,
Dr. Rabbi.Philosopher
As you can imagine, dear reader, we were pleased as petulant, partisan politicians to receive an e-letter from an accredited mental health professional. This, officially, makes us a doctor’s doctor. Well, actually the doctor’s doctors, but that’s a really clunky phrase.
In order to demonstrate what consummate professionals we aren’t, we intend to deal with the Good Doctor’s questions in the numerical order in which they appear in his e-missive.
1) I’m not a rabbi.
Hmmm. This is a rather nagging difficulty, isn’t it? Pretty much every healthy, sane individual we know is a rabbi. Or at least a cantor.
Still, we would be remiss if we did not mention that a few people of our acquaintance are beacons of sanity and not rabbis. For instance, Michael Lerner, editor of Tikkun magazine. Oh, and Jesse Jackson. (Or is he the rabbi of “Hymietown”?)
Anyway, our larger point here is that not being a rabbi, though a potentially grave situation, can actually turn out just fine. Sure, you’ll never be elected president of the United States without being a rabbi, but, other than that, your life will be pretty much the same.
2) I’m not a philosopher.
Frankly, we’re less inclined to see this as a major disability. After all, Jean-Paul Sartre and Martin Heidegger were both philosophers, and neither of them turned out so great. Unless, of course, you take a shining to apologists for totalitarian terror.
Also, with the notable exception of the ease with which one can pick up chicks, it really doesn’t help to be a philosopher. Jacques Derrida wasn’t a philosopher, and look how far he got!
3) In real life, I'm a licensed psychologist who attempts to treat other people's neuroses while mine run wild and free.
Before we offer our advice on this score, we ought to mention that we appreciate the Good Doctor’s candor. Sure, he may have a completely misleading name (given problems 1 and 2 listed above), but he’s honest about the important things: Psychologists are normally about as sane as the March Hare.
Indeed, status as a licensed psychologist is a major trouble. After all, it is extraordinarily difficult for psychologists to change careers and become, for instance, first basemen for the Chicago White Sox. In fact, if you want to be a professional athlete of any kind, you’re not in a good position. Except for a woman’s basketball player: Pretty much anyone can do that.
Our advice to you, Good Doctor, is to train to become a rabbi and a philosopher. That way, you can kill three of your problems with one stone. Or, we should say, kill three of your problems with grueling years of biblical exegesis and painstaking readings of Richard Rorty.
4) NOBODY LISTENS TO ME! I give them diamonds and pearls (advice and wisdom) but do they take advantage of my 30 years in the business? NOOOOO! Frankly, they make me sick. They carp, complain, and cry. They ask for my advice—and then they reject it? Apparently I'm not allowed to shoot them, but they're driving me CRAZY!
Well, that’s pretty much all the space we can devote to today’s post, so we want to thank the Good Doctor for his e-missive. Obviously, we’ve saved another life.
If you, dear reader, yearn for this kind of soul-saving advice, drop us a line by clicking the “Contact Us” link at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen.
We promise that we’ll help, and, more importantly, listen to you.
