March 30, 2005

A Second Amendment Woman We

A Second Amendment Woman

We know what those of you astute enough to have read the title of this post are thinking: What the heck is a “Second Amendment Woman”? Allow us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” to explain.

A few days ago, two members of the crack young staff—let’s just call them “Chip”—headed out for dinner at the local designer pizza establishment. You know the kind of place we mean: Individual-sized clam and broccoli pizza; home-brewed root beer; obnoxious clientele.

Yet something made this particular restaurant particularly unappealing: For some reason, even though it was a relatively small place, it was loud as heck. Patrons were jammed together in tiny tables, and could easily eavesdrop on others’ conversations.

Our two members of the crack young staff were seated at a table directly next to two women—one of whom we have conveniently labeled the “Second Amendment Woman.” Simply put, this woman was so galactically irksome that she made you take pride in the Second Amendment. To put it in Texas parlance, she needed killin’.

And what, you may be asking yourself, made said woman so irritating? We’re darn glad you asked.

Mrs. Second Amendment—we know she’s married because we unwittingly overheard every moment of her conversation—possesses the most stentorian, nasal voice in the history of what women’s studies professors call peoplekind.

Her voice was both ridiculously loud and unbelievably piercing. She sounded like a mix between Gilbert Godfried and a deer whistle. Her darn voice was on the threshold of pain.

We swear: If you plugged this woman’s nose up, she couldn’t talk. Her voice was so nasal that when “Chip” left the establishment, their noses hurt. It was brutal.

Naturally, she spent her entire dinner discussing the intricacies of her private life. In…horrendous…detail.

Accordingly, “Chip” had a thought that was simply amazing: “Chip” realized that they would rather listen to Kenny G than to Mrs. Second Amendment.

As anyone on planet earth knows, that’s a darn strong statement.

Posted at March 30, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack