March 31, 2005

It Was a Very Good

It Was a Very Good Year—For Hate

Well, well, well. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hate to toot our own collective horn, but on this august occasion, we have no choice. Even if it’s only March.

As our avid readers may realize, today, March 31st, marks the one-year anniversary of our humble “weblog.” Only one short year ago, dear reader, we set about inaugurating the World-Wide Web version of the storied “Hatemonger’s Quarterly.”

And, man, what a year it’s been. We’ve laughed; we’ve cried; we’ve hated. But mostly we’ve cried.

On our humble “weblog’s” anniversary, then, we have decided to offer a series of reflections on our year on the Internet. It’s kind of like Newsweek magazine’s Year in Review, without any discussion of such beacons of high culture as Eminem and Jude Law. Or any George Will columns. If you prefer, it’s kind of like The Nation’s Year in Review, only not printed on toilet paper.

Anyway, dear reader, as we’ve scanned the hallowed halls of the “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” headquarters, we’ve had time to reflect on our twelve months in “webloggery.” Like Madonna, it’s been quite a ride.

First, we noted that, over the course of the entire year, our Official Technical Department has not changed the look of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” one iota. Just like Roseanne Barr, we started ugly, and we’ve stayed ugly.

Whereas other “weblogs” have been busy offering their fans such ephemeral things as “aesthetically pleasing designs” and “pictures,” we’ve resolutely stuck to the same formula. Heck, as they say out in the Heartland, if it ain’t violently separated into parts, don’t repair it. (To be honest, we’ve never been to the Heartland. But we hear the Rocky Mountain Oysters are delicious.)

Some “webloggers” may say that our Official Technical Department is merely lazy. Others may claim that we’re a passel of mildly retarded Luddites.

They’d probably both be correct.

But just think, dear reader, of all the fun we’ve had these past twelve months. We’ve given away “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” T-Shirts with the catchy slogan “We Get More Hits Than Tina Turner” to our contest winners. We’ve received links from such fancy outfits as The Wall Street Journal, The New Criterion, and a “website” devoted to discussing monkeys. We even are the “weblog” fathers of a “weblog” that lasted all of two days. But what a fine two days those were.

Most importantly, we were completely overlooked for a Weblog Award. Darn, it’s been great.

So, dear reader, you have good reason to suspect that Year Two of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” will be equally chock-a-block with mediocre Internet humor. It’s what we live for. In addition to taxes, of course.

In order to celebrate our anniversary in style, tomorrow night we are heading to the local ballroom for our First Annual Celebrate Our Anniversary in Style Party. We’ve received numerous e-mails from loyal readers suggesting the theme for this fete, and we’ll share this theme with you tomorrow.

It’s going to be a killer soiree: Rumor has it that Ed Meese is going to show up. And Ari Fleischer will be playing the part of Grover Norquist. If that doesn’t say party, we collectively don’t know what does.

We don’t want to get all mushy on you, dear reader. But we think some thanks are in order. You, the slack-jawed yokels who check out our quotidian animadversions, are the veritable wind beneath our veritable wind. You are, as they say in French, our “reason to be.”

And we thank you from the bottom of our cold, remorseless hearts.

Posted at March 31, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack