April 01, 2005

Celebratin’ the Hatin’

Celebratin’ the Hatin’

Tonight, dear reader, is the big night. The ‘phones here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” headquarters have been ringing off the hook. We’ve heard from everyone from George Pataki to that delightful little scamp who played Alex Keaton on “Family Ties.”

And what, you may be asking yourself, is compelling such B-List political figures and celebrities to contact the crack young staff? Why, the First Annual Official Celebrate Our Anniversary in Style Party, of course.

As anyone with Internet access and a pulse knows, dear reader, the soiree in honor of our first year of “weblogging” is taking place tonight. For those who live on John Hughes’ proverbial other side of the tracks, tonight is the night, as Kool & the Gang put it, to celebrate good times. Come on.

This evening, the crack young staff’s elite team of clipboard Nazis will ensure that only those fortunate few on the guest list make it into the ballroom for the festivities. They’ll make sure, for instance, that Alec Baldwin gets into the party, but that his portly, half-wit, no-name brothers do not. They’ll make sure that Brett Butler can sip champagne with the crack young staff, but that Judith Butler cannot. They’ll make sure that Max Boot gets to enjoy all the entertainment, but that Katrina vandel Heuvel gets the boot.

In short, dear reader, this evening’s celebration marks the most important point in Internet history since Matt Drudge leaked the story about President Clinton’s affair with that intern. You know, What’s-Her-Face. The heavy girl.

Naturally, the Official Events Planning Department here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has had to make a lot of tough decisions. Do we go with the 5,000 pounds of sushi in the shape of the Appalachian Mountains? Or do we go with the walk-in humidor? Do we have Sonny Rollins play the gig? Or do we get Horace Silver instead?

And what about the party decorations? Are earth tones passé?

But surely the most nettlesome decision revolved around our Official Party Theme. About a week ago, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” exhorted our loyal readership to send in a good idea for a party theme.

Little did we know, dear reader, that we are as popular as…well, something really popular. As such, we received a veritable deluge of suggestions. Frankly, we haven’t felt this good since we saw an auto mechanic whack a hippie with a wrench. (As Mr. Burns would say, he didn’t think that was so “groovy.”)

Yet this rendered the choosing of a theme difficult. To make matters worse, we got our fair share of awfully good ideas.

For instance, our old pal aelfheld suggested we pull off a Wodehousian revel. Right ho, Jeeves. In fact, we took such a shining for the idea that we were about to do a number of interviews on German radio about it.

If that weren’t clever enough, our old pal Gordo came up with the notion of a ridiculously elaborate party à la Oprah’s 50th birthday bash. Sounds great, doesn’t it? But we’ve always been more Montel kind of people.

In addition, the inimitable Mrs. Peperium proposed an Evil Garden Party, at which we would poison some of the guests. Doesn’t that sound like a cruise we took a few months back?

A number of our readers were particularly enamored by a toga party. We would be too, had we not recently attended Ed Koch’s toga party. And, man, Mayor Koch has got to learn to wear a tunic under that thing.

Our pal the Rabbi-Philosopher offered up a couple of brilliant themes: A “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” roast, and a beach-blanket bingo party. Unfortunately, the roast idea was nixed once we found out that Henny Youngman was dead. And the beach-blanket bingo idea was nixed once we found out that Annette Funicello was alive.

This left us with one other theme of note. A reader named Walt sent us an e-missive with the following suggestion: “Self-Inflicted Tatoos of Destiny and Desire.”

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: That’s totally up our collective alley.

Accordingly, tonight we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” and our emcee, Tommy Lee, will warmly welcome the smart set. Just in case you don’t get your fix of “E!” Entertainment (?) Television, we plan on discussing the goings-on at our fete next week.

Until then, dear reader, we’ll be busy calling Harrison Ford back. Man, that guy will do anything to get into a party.

Posted at April 1, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack